Mr Dorsey’s Guide to Halloween.
Well well my friends, today I will tell you about the strange celebration that these earth people call ‘Halloween’. The first I heard about this Halloween thing is when I was invited to a party that young Sophie May is having. She told me that it is all very yukky but so much fun and that I would have to dress up like a ghost or a headless man or something. I really needed to find out a little bit about what I should do and what I should wear because it all sounded very strange to me. 
So, I hired some of those video things from the Sunset Cove Video Store on the High Street. They are disgusting! I could it believe what I was seeing! People cutting people up and scaring little children and walking around wearing masks. What is wrong with these earthlings to make them want to watch things like this in their living rooms? It is worse than what happens on Planet Phineirg!
And why would Sophie want to have this kind of party? I am really rather scared now because I do not want some Wampire to attack my neck. He would notice my scaly skin and as we do not have the normal kind of red blood that these earthlings seem to have, he would discover my secret and guess that I am not in fact, an earthling.
Even Josh Montana has turned bad!
Anyway, I have tried to stay calm and act as Uncle Xeron would have done. I went to the local store to see what kind of costumes there are and again I was shocked and amazed. There were these big sharp teeth and long nails, bolts that you can put in your head and blood that you can trickle down your chin. There were wigs like the ones Miss. Profusion wears and Wampire capes. I just do not know what to think anymore. Why would I want to dress like this? What will I do?
I saw Don the janitor carving up a huge orange in to a terrifying face that had eyes and a mouth that glowed in an eerie way. It reminded me of the Maltivian Swamp! Oh Phenorg!
I saw the chef from the Princess Diner making a revolting looking drink. It was bright green and it was very lumpy. As a matter of fact, it looked a little bit like Confictler Water from my beloved planet of Phenorg but there were spiders and worms in it instead of mice.
I am starting to get a little bit too homesick now and so think that I should make a list of the things that I have noticed you should do if you want to be a part of this Halloween night. This will help me to takemy mind of my home and my family that I miss so very much.
Jet Marigold is a witch!
1. Find a huge orange and attack it with a sharp knife. Scoop out all of its insides with a large spoon and then hack the most frightening face you can think of in to its skin. Set light to a candle and ram it in to the space in the middle. Put the orange in to your window so that everybody can admire your handiwork.
2. Try to get your spirit friends to hang around your house. I do not know what Sophie’s poltergeist looks like but the ghosts I have seen in the shops and in the neighbourhood windows are very plain and white looking. They float around and some of them scream if you bump in to them but most of them are very quiet and are just ‘there’. 3. Buy some blood if you do not have enough of your own and some teeth if your own are not sharp or yellow enough. Claws or sharp nails are also required. And you can buy wigs to make you look like Miss. Profusion. Maybe nobody told her that Halloween is only for one day 4. Get some clothing to dress in for the night. It needs to be red or black. Or white if you want to look like your spirit friends. 5. Buy a broom in case you want to help sweep the neighbourhood. (I think that the town will be even cleaner than it already is after all the cleaning that will go on this Halloweens night. But I do not understand why you have to wear a big black hat while you sweep.)
6. Buy lots and lots of candy to throw at children who knock on your door
7. Talk to your house spiders and ask them to make more cobwebs so that you can cover your house with them. 8. Watch all those horrifying videos so that you know what to look out for on Halloween night. 9. Buy a lot of garlic to put around your neck because I hear that there will be many Wampires out when the moon is behind the clouds. This will help to scare them away from your neck. 10. Practice staying up very very late at night so that you will be able to watch out for wampires, witches, werewolves and all the other terrifying monsters that will be prowling around. 
Oh mother, I am so worried. I am told that I will have fun but I do not know how. How will I be able to tell if a witch is real or if it is Sabrina in disguise? What if somebody bleeds on me? Do I call a doctor or do I just ignore what is happening because it is meant to be fun? I cannot bring myself to attack a helpless orange and turn it in to a horrifying face!
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A member of Sunset Patrol managed to intercept this report from the school science teacher, Mr.Dorsey to his family in a place called Phenorg