 GLEAM CLEANI have tried a lot of cleaning products in my time and people often ask me what I use to make the wood shine in the Vermont’s home. I find that chicken fat works really well and if you rub it in hard enough you can’t even smell it – unless the sun is shining (which it often does in Sunset Cove) and then you just tell people that you have been roasting a chicken. This can have it’s downside though because then the said person who noticed the smell will want to stay for dinner and then you actually do have to create a roast dinner with all the trimmings. WHERE TO START
I always start at the top of the house so that the dust can work its way downstairs and then I can trap it easily. I chase it with a net and sweep millions of the little dust particles up in one swell swoop. I then sell the dust mites to Don who makes pillows out of them – he always likes to sneeze when he sleeps. He says it gives him good dreams. It is really important to tie your hair up as you clean so that you don’t miss anything. I once had a long fringe hanging in my eyes and I managed to miss an important stain on the bathroom floor, which was bad news for Commander Vermont who slipped on it and broke his medal. Five ways to use a duster- Wave it around your head like a helicopter blade
- Wear it like a mask and pretend to be Zorro
- Put it behind your ear and use it like headphones
- Pretend it’s a cigar and that you are the father of a new baby
- Use it as a false arm and scare the neighbours when they call around.
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I also like to carry a duster around with me because I like to tickle my armpits whenever I get tired. A feather duster is best, not the new acrylic ones – they don’t tend to give as good a tickle as feathers. A vacuum cleaner is an important part of a cleaners equipment and even though I’m not sure how to use mine I carry it with me, strapped to my back so that I look important and kind of like that lady in the Alien movies. I creep round the corner and aim my nozzle at the mirror- KBAM! One time Commander Vermont got all excited because he thought that I had actually seen an alien and he spent the rest of the month staking out the attic in case the slimy green beasts showed themselves again. 
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