JOSH’S GUIDE TO A HOLDUP 2

JOSH’S GUIDE TO A HOLDUP
Giving Evidence

If you’re lucky enough to survive the holdup with no frost bite from the frozen chicken then you may be called as a witness.

Five things to remember when in Court

  1. Don’t cross your fingers when you’re swearing your oath – that’s just not truthful
  2. Don’t swear or you’ll be in contempt of court
  3. Wear your best outfit – you could end up in the press!
  4. Make sure you get your story straight – don’t want to end up incriminating yourself or an innocent party.
  5. Don’t laugh at the judge. Judges are very straight faced and the faintest bit of giggling will not be tolerated

I’ve been a witness a number of times. It’s really quite a thrilling experience. You’re all high and mighty and important and someone’s fate could rest in your hands – now how’s that for power!!

Tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. In a court of law you have to abide by their rules and this includes telling nothing but the truth.

Often after a trial I get swamped with fans wanting my autograph but in a court you must behave appropriately so I always say “no comment”..Next page

 

JOSH’S GUIDE TO A HOLDUP 1

JOSH’S GUIDE TO A HOLDUP

I’m Josh Montana undercover superhero in Sunset Cove. The Silver Lining has been called to a number of holdups so here’s my guide to surviving a holdup…

 

When first called out to a holdup situation I make sure I’ve got all the necessary equipment.

Firstly a watergun. – these can come in very handy for catching the thief off guard. Fill it with a solution of water and dishwashing liquid to give that extra bite. If you happen to have an aim like a snake then getting this in the person’s eyes is a sure way for them to drop their weapon and scream like a girl.

Secondly a frozen chicken – In my time I’ve come across people using these as weapons to hold up shops. I’ve always thought of the philosophy, fight fire with fire, so, why not fight chicken with chicken. Catching a thief at their own game can be very amusing and they can become quite stuck for words. Make sure you have a big one.

Thirdly some banana peels – I eat bananas every day to keep up my superhuman abilities so keeping the skins is no problem. When a thief tries to make a quick getaway I’ve always lined the exit to the shop with a good supply of peels. Any thief thinking he can get away will end up on his bum!

Finally my trusty pink crime fighting gear – If you’re a superhero you’re expected to wear the coolest outfits. Pink is THE colour this season so my bright pink bodysuit along with my designer black shorts are ideal. I never fail to get comments about it. And best of all, most thieves have to do a double take when they see me. This gives me a split second to pounce on them and tie them in a knot before the local authorities arrive.

What should you do?
If you’re caught in a holdup situation you should always check to see if you can get outside help.

Firstly, programme the Silver Llinings number into your mobile phone quickdial settings. This way you only have to press one button and you know the Silver Lining will be there.

Secondly seek a good hiding place in the store – in the freezer is a good place, no ones likely to look there – BUT make sure you don’t lock yourself in or you may end up looking like a frozen chicken!

Do as they say – It may be tempting to be a superhero yourself but if someone’s threatening you with a frozen chicken you better do what they say! Stay calm, chew some gum and wait for the Silver Lining to arrive because no doubt the Silver Lining will always be first to the rescue, a huh!

Offer them some food – Don’t forget that this thief may just be hungry and irritated and that’s what all this fuss is about in the first place. If you’re smart you carry everlasting gobstoppers and thus the theif will have their mouth full for hours and won’t be able to get a word in at all. The Silver Lining sells everlasting gobstoppers at 20cents each. Please phone the Silver Lining hotline for more information.

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VIOLET’S GUIDE TO HALLOQUEEN 2

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO HALLOQUEEN

Suddenly a bolt of lightning flashed out of the sky and hit Larry Square in the face. He crumpled to the ground in fear and his screams reached the ears of Queenie who came racing out of his milk bar to help him.

She leant down and reached over to Larry who was hiding his head in shame. Queenie pushed his hands away gently and recoiled slightly as she noticed that his once full and lustrous head of hair was now standing up like Medusa and was starting to fall out in clumps.

She soon got over the shock however and tenderly stroked what was left of Larry’s hair. “Don’t worry,” she said, “You still look beautiful to me.”

He smiled shyly up at her and the two locked lips and kissed their first ever kiss. One of passion and longing.

At that moment another streak of lightning flickered down from the sky and aimed right at Larry. As if in slow motion, Queenie pushed her beloved out of the way of the fork of white-hot lightning but was struck herself on the head.

As the crowd that gathered started to push in to see what had happened, Larry took one look at the sizzling mess that was Queenie’s hair and fainted.

Larry was still, as still as the dead and many in the crowd started to cry – the greatest living person in the town was dead! What a tragedy and just as he had found true love. Shame!

Queenie bent over her beau and stroked his cheek. A single tear fell from her eye and miraculously Larry opened both his eyes, smiled weakly up into the beautiful face and said, “Hallo Queen.”
The crowd cheered, Larry was alive!

After he had been released from hospital where he had been kept for 3 and a half months, 7 days and 48 hours suffering from concussion and delusions of being Prince Charming, Larry moved in with Queenie and they lived happily ever after.

Larry was made Mayor of Sunset Cove in honour of his generosity to the town and his continued support of charities and needy folk and the taming of the Hells Bikers.

His first public proclamation was to call October 10th a holiday in honour of the two lovers cheating death and proving that lightning can indeed strike twice.

He called the holiday Halloqueen as a salute to his wife and his several concussions and delusions.
And so that is how Halloqueen came to be in Sunset Cove.

We all get to dress up like Queenie and boy that woman has taste! She loves pearls and sequins, short frilly skirts and fishnet tights, neon pink nail polish and lycra cycling shorts.

Men, women and children dress up just like Queenie and parade down the High Street for her to choose the Queen of Halloqueen.

I am proud to say that I won the honour for 15 years in a row. People said that it was just because I looked uncannily like Queenie (well she is my mother!)

Then there’s a great bonfire at the beach and we all throw off our pearls and fling them into the flames, howl at the moon and make thunder noises with our feet on the sand.

After a BBQ and chocolate sundaes (kindly donated by the Princess Diner) the townsfolk head over to the High Street again for Drag racing. That’s when all the guys dressed up in drag have to run down the street and slowest one wins the prize – a year’s supply of hair product in honour of the singed manes of Queenie and Larry all those years ago.

And then the grand finale, a re-enactment of that fateful night when Queenie and Larry were struck down by lightning, lived to tell the tale and found true love – and the night ends with the crowd shouting “Hello Queen” as Queenie and Larry take their bows and exit stage right.Next page

 

 

 

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO HALLOQUEEN 1

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO HALLOQUEEN

Easter, Christmas, Summer Holidays – pah! I want to tell you a little bit about a celebration I like to get involved in that not many outsiders know about… Halloqueen”

 

HOW HALLOQUEEN CAME ABOUT…


You’ll all have heard of Halloween when kids get dressed up as their favourite ghost or ghoul and run round the neighbourhood asking for candy.

Well here in Sunset Cove we celebrate something different in the second week of October.
Halloqueen is a celebration of the feminine side of us all and as far as I know it is only celebrated here where people can be whatever they want to be and individuality is embraced by one and all.

It all started in 1962 when Larry Larrikin moved to the Bay from the Big Smoke over the hill. A milkman by trade, Larry first set eyes on the Bay when his milk float took a wrong turn at the top of Paradise Point, the brakes failed and in came the milk float at a rate of a hundred miles an hour, down the hill and into the Bay.

Screeching to a halt outside the Princess Diner, Larry was welcomed with open arms by the owner, Queenie and given a cup of tea with plenty of sugar for the shock.

What Queenie didn’t realize was that Larry wasn’t in shock because of the runaway milkfloat but because he thought that Queenie was in fact the Queen.

It seemed that Larry had suffered a bad concussion when his milk float had crashed and as he looked up into the eyes of the owner of the Diner he said “Hallo Queen.”

Larry gave up his job as a milkman and started up the first milk bar in Sunset Cove, the Queen’s Head and it was a great success. Larry was welcomed into the town by all and he got on particularly well with the Big D and the Hells Bikers who made sure that no trouble took place in this drinking hole. They had a particular love of milkshakes and smoothies – no one could rustle up a better banana smoothie than old Larry.

Larry became a stable part of Sunset Cove’s culture and took a great interest in all aspects of life in the town. He became a Committee Member of several clubs and was the main fundraiser for Atlantis High and the Kindergarten.

He remained best buddies with Queenie and they always had a laugh at the way they met for the first time.

Life was peachy until one dark October night. Larry had locked up for the night and strolled over the road to the Princess Diner for a quick chocolate sundae before settling in for a night of soap operas and reality TV.

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VITA’S GUIDE TO DANCING 2

VITA’S GUIDE TO DANCING

CHACHACHA

Five Dances of Sunset Cove

  1. The Tango
  2. The Chimichanga
  3. The Tra la la
  4. The Chicken Dance
  5. Swan Lake

My most favourite time to dance is when I am alone. I can dance in the shower. I can dance when I cook my dinner. I can even dance when I am asleep.

My Mama said that when I was a young girl I used to wake up the household as I performed Swan Lake in my sleep. It was all okay until I grabbed a hold of my brother and sister’s hands and tried to get them to dance with me. They weren’t too happy because they were trying to sleep and got scared when they woke up on the High Street in the moonlight.

I really love to dance at the beach under the stars and it is best when the waves are crashing up around my ankles and the wind blows my hair. The sand is a great dance floor and if you can get the seagulls to join in then you almost have a show worthy of the West End.

My dancing has got me into trouble before though. One night Commander Vermont was called in to question me as the military thought that I was a witch dancing a spell on the High Street. There was a full moon but I do not think that I looked like a witch. Holy Banales, I had to chant and howl to give myself a tune to dance to. Anyway, the Commander seemed to think that I was trying to make contact with a spacecraft and so he actually joined in with my dance and let me tell you something, that man can howl like a wolf.

I like to dance to keep myself fit and a lot of people like to copy my moves. Violet tried to copy my backward shuffle jive but her wig fell over her eyes and she ended up at the Bay Hospital with whiplash and an injury to her handbag. She got addicted to grapes and mandarin oranges when she was there and then had to stay in for another fortnight because she had a Vitamin overload.

Anyway, I think that everyone should dance and I would like to finish this by saying that if all the world was a stage then all the people would be dancing. And if you would like to learn to dance then just listen to the music in your head. Even if it is the theme tune to Coronation Street then just put your flat cap on, tuck your pigeon under your arm and dance the night away.

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