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VITA’S GUIDE TO DANCING 1

VITA’S GUIDE TO DANCING

“Yes, it is true that red-blooded Latinos love to dance and I want to tell you all about my love of it.”

TANGO OR NOT TANGO?

It is the traditional dance of love, the tango. And it is the dance that I love to love. I get into my spangly dress and climb into my strappy sparkly sandals and grab myself a partner. Shane is the one that I normally choose because he has real rhythm and his toned torso looks so good when he gets a lycra spandex suit on.

Picture this – Sunset Cavern on a Sunday afternoon. All the residents in their finery after a stroll along the beach. Sure they have sand in their hair and up their nostrils but it all adds to the atmosphere.

I take Shane by the hand and lead him out onto the dance floor as Gilbert and his team of unprofessional musicians strikes up the first tune. They normally start out with the Three Legged Flight of the Flamingo but I am so ready for a tango that I take up my position anyway.

Shane stares into my eyes – Shane says, “So that I can see my reflection” – and we start to dance. Faster and faster; as the flamingo takes flight we twirl and twist around the dance floor. The sparkles on Shane’s suit catch the light of the disco ball and flicker intriguing shadows on his face. The flickers set off an epileptic fit for Madame Buffet but we carry on with our dance of passion, as there are plenty of people trained in the arts of first aid.

Shane stops only to make sure that everyone is watching him as Madame is taken away in an ambulance and then we twist again, twist ourselves into a whirlwind of sequins and spangles.

As the music stops I catch my breath and try to still my beating heart. I look up into Shane’s face and he looks as if he is about to kiss me, the passion of the dance transferred into the passion of his heart. But he is just falling over as his sports shoes slip on the highly polished wood of the floor. We fall together and the lights come back on. The dance is finished. The aerobics class is about to begin and Shane leaves me to change back into his shorts to lead the class.

KISSINGER’S GUIDE TO BEING A DOG 2

KISSINGER’S GUIDE TO BEING A DOG

Dogs with jobs

I’m a Yorkshire Terrier and basically we’re not one of the breeds that was born to work. We eat, sleep, yap yap yap and are over excited little dogs. I prefer to laze on the windowsill of the conservatory or sit on the lap of Mrs Vermont than do anything physical. But if I am in a boyous mood then chasing the cat around the garden and terrorising the birds is my favourite past time.

But there a few dogs who were born to be heros. The Saint Bernard is of course famous for being a rescue dog – digging people from the snow or even swimming in to save them. They’re often depicted with a small barrel tied to their necks. This barrel holds whiskey and is used to warm up the person who’s just been saved.

Alaskan Malamutes pull sleds, Golden Retrievers hunt ducks, and Springer Spaniels make good sniffer dogs.

Cats
Cats are the most filthy, snotty, snobs of animals you could ever meet. Dogs hate cats and cats hate dogs and so me being a dog – I’m allowed to have that opinion.

So often you see cats perched in a window thinking they’re all high and mighty – licking their paws and washing themselves – pah! They should be rolling around in mud like we do!

I’ve never been ablet to understand cats. They love to taunt and tease us and so of course we like to chase them! I caught one once but after a mouth full of fur I let the retched thing go. Lucky for him!

My Happy Moments

Here are some things that make a dog very happy

Hanging out the window of a car
Running to meet your human when they get home
Chowing down food
Getting your belly rubbed
Playing fetch at the beach

KISSINGER’S GUIDE TO BEING A DOG 1

KISSINGER’S GUIDE TO BEING A DOG

I’m soft, cuddly and cute and I live with the Vermont’s in Sunset Cove. I’ve been a dog all my life – here’s my guide to being a dog.

What it means to be a dog

Dog’s are man’s best friend. And why not? We are always dedicated to our owners and are happy to run around doing doggy things for them like fetching the newspaper or even the smelly slippers. We are pack animals and all we want is companionship and a loving home.

Doggy past times

Sniffing – There’s nothing quite like a smell. It wafts through the air and teases your nostrils. It sends signals to the brain that excite you and you just have to keep sniffing until you’ve satisfied the urge. Trees, lamposts, gates, fire hydrants are all good places for smells. These smells are often left by other dogs and are especially interesting. Smelling humans in certain places is not advised as it can make them very uncomfortable.

Digging – Sometimes we dig because we know we’ve hidden a bone and other times we dig just because we feel like it! We especially like to dig when we’ve been fenced in – there’s only one way out and that’s down and out! Make sure you dig up your owners garden once every now and again – it reminds them that you’re bored and they’ll buy you new toys.

Playing Fetch – How cool is this game? Most dogs love to play fetch especially if they’ve been trained properly to do it. Dogs always love a chase and a challenge and it’s part of our animal behaviour to chase food and bring it back to our family. What’s really funny is when we run off with the stick and our owners chase us all over the park – it’s classic!

Swimming – A nice hot day and your human takes you down to the beach or the river – bliss! You jump in and get totally sodden and then you run back to your human and give a good shake soaking them in the process. They love it, really!

Begging – You must have heard of the term puppy dog eyes – we dogs made it famous. We can put on the saddest little face when we want something and it’s extremely hard to refuse for any human. When we can smell that freshly pan fried steak on your plate how do you expect us to eat dog food? Begging is the best way to get a little of what we really want.

Some famous pooches

Lassie
Toto from The Wizard of Oz
101 Dalmatians
Snoopy
Rin Tin Tin
Pluto

Marking Territory

Dogs are very territorial and there’s just nothing that can be done about it – it’s in our DNA.

The slightest smell of another dog in our territory and we have to mark it with our own smell. This called “leg lifting” and it’s very common practice among all dogs.

A warning to leg lifting dogs – never leg lift on an electric fence and never leg lift on your owner. You’ll regret it.

JET’S GUIDE TO CONSPIRACIES 2

JET’S GUIDE TO CONSPIRACIES

FOOD

The local diner sometimes has these GM foods in stock. Here’s a look at their menu:

Burgers

Carroteen & GM Seeweed
GM Fish Fins and plucked Eyeball
Fish scales and nitrateoxide
Label bashing mash
Slimmers Slime

Desserts

Marshmarsupial pudding
Chocolate Mouse
Blue bottle-oxide
Berry Rodent Risotto
Reconstituted Smoothie

FASHION

What is fashion? Fashion is whatever you want it to be. But try telling that to the label bashers who must have the “brand” of the moment.

Fashion retailers and designers have a close relationship. This relationship revolves around sales, sales, sales.

Have you ever looked at something in a shop window and thought urgh I’d never wear that! But a few weeks later when everyone else is wearing it you can’t get yourself one fast enough? They’ve got you! That’s how they do it!

Suddenly everyone around town is looking the same. Same pink sweater, designer jeans, and designer boots.

Their marketing campaigns are well thought out and even the most disgusting clothes seem to make their way onto the shelves.

Personally I like to wear whatever I like. I don’t want the funkiest outfit of the moment. I want to make my own clothes that are “out there” “different” and something I’ve created myself. I don’t want to be told by some shop and an advert that I “need to have it”.

Last week I bought the ugliest pair of jeans you could imagine. I cut a few holes in them, sewed on some blue beads and jems and suddenly they’re something no one else has!

Remember that next time you’re out shopping – you don’t have to conform and you certainly don’t have to be part of the retailers conspiracy…

JET’S GUIDE TO CONSPIRACIES 1

JET’S GUIDE TO CONSPIRACIES

“Hi, I’m Jet Marigold. I know the world is one big conspiracy. There’s so much evidence!

Here is some of what I’ve found out…

HOUSEHOLD ITEMS AND DIVORCE

You may have heard me talk about this before. Household manufacturers have one of the biggest conspiracies in the world. Everyone needs household stuff and what better way to sell twice as much merchandise than to get everyone to divorce! That way the spouse who doesn’t end up with that particular item has to go and buy it again. Simple!

But how do they do it?

Couples are always arguing over the smallest things in life. “why didn’t you change the toilet roll?!” “I told you to get that last week!” “The bloody toaster is on the blink, can you fix it?”.

Manufacturers have made small adjustments to their electrical items – adjustments you’d never know about. Most of the time they work great but sometimes they just won’t work at all. This can become terribly irritating. She says it doesn’t work, he says it does – it’s an automatic argument maker!!

These household items are trouble I tell you! Live in a tent in the middle of nowhere and you might just stand a chance.

FOOD

You wouldn’t think food would have it’s downsides would you? Well let me tell you that food is just another ploy to get us all fat and crazy. The more you enjoy food, the more you’re going to eat it. The fancy labels and the “fat free” tags – yeah right! It’s the fresh food you need to look out for especially fruit and vegetables. The other day I ate an apple and all hell broke loose – I couldn’t think rationally, I went beserk! There’s funny things in natural food that reek havoc with your bodily system. It’s all those vitamins, minerals, and carbohydrates that do it.

What I’ve found out is that if you eat only Genetically Modified food then you get to control exactly what is going into your body and you’re not relying on old Mother Nature – who has no idea how to cook anyway.

One of my favourite GM foods is polycarbobarbituatenitrate- it’s fantastic! Drink it down for breakfast and you won’t need anything until you go to bed.

At bed time you need to up your oxi levels so I tend to eat a pastachemotherapay. A great way to stay thin and to keep away from that nasty fresh fruit and stuff.