Author: Atlantis High Official

Archie had had enough! Sitting by the river one evening contemplating his thoughts and his band of soldiers, Archie noticed that his boots had become wet and shiny as he dangled them in the water. Looking closer he saw in his boot the reflection of a huge and massive Anaconda slithering quickly towards him.

Given the element of surprise and knowing full well that being forewarned is forearmed, Archie quietly and quickly pulled his machete out of his pocket and with a graceful flick of his wrist, swung out behind him and killed the snake in an instant.

Archie was victorious and carried the head of the snake back to camp to display to all the soldiers and the natives. They were amazed and Archie went to bed late that night after a glorious celebration.
That night he had a very clear dream where a water nymph came to him and told him to always keep his boots polished so that he could see when danger was near.

Archie woke up the next morning and proclaimed the first duty of the day was for every soldier to polish his boots until he could see his own face in them.

Archie’s band of soldiers continued their trek through the forests without losing another man to a creature big or small. And when Archie returned back to England he shared his discovery with his commanding officers and the rest, as they say, is history.

Soldiers have discovered that the shine on their boots is not only invaluable in saving their skins from predators on the field of duty but is also helpful for many other things.

GI’s in World War II found that the shine on their footwear greatly enhanced the viewing pleasure of looking up their dates’ skirts!

Every good looking young man knows the thrill of being bale to admire his own reflection in his boots and this also helps to ensure that not a hair is out of place when out on drill.

Soldiers on duty at the Royal Palaces in England know how important it is to have shiny boots. Because they have to stand for hours in their huts on duty outside the palaces without being able to move at all they tend to get bored. They have learnt that a great way to pass the time is this: –

They stick magazine articles, crosswords, even books on top of their huts and read them in the reflection of their boots. When they need to turn a page they wiggle their right ear, which has string, attached to it and so turns the page.

Soldiers have different ways of preparing their boots and creating a good shine. Some men tend to scrub their boots clean with a nailbrush before adding black polish bought from a store or the army store.
Others use a mixture of ostrich wax and newspaper. They find that the black print from the paper makes the boots shine an extra special shine.

My men and I use Mrs.Vermont’s special tonic. Made of secret ingredients but approved by the Minister of Ministries and Marvels, the tonic just needs to be sprayed on for an instant and lasting shine which takes away the need to spend hours and hours polishing and getting sore elbows.

So you see that shiny boots are incredibly important and I tend to hire men not on the way that they conduct manoeuvres or salute but on the way they polish their boots...

“Commander Vermont here my good men and it is my duty to Queen and Country to make sure that you know how important it is to shine your boots. So fall in soldiers and I can talk to you about spit and polish.”

Boots should be shiny, that’s all there is to it. You can spend all the time you like making sure that you use hospital corners when you make your bed. You can take a whole day ironing your uniform so that the creases match the ones on my face. You can stand still for hours staring at nothing while I shout at you. But the most important thing, the be all and end all of a soldier is his boots.

My father was a military man. And my father’s father. And my father’s father’s father. And my father’s father’s father’s mother. And they all knew how to shine their boots.

In my family you learn how to shine when you are 5 months old. We have a ceremony where the family gather together much as they would to celebrate a birthday or anniversary. The babe is given his or her very own monogrammed kit. It contains all the essentials of a good shine. A brush, a tub of top quality polish and a cloth.

The babe is then taught how to polish his booties and it is tradition that if the babe learns how to do this by the time he is six months old that he or she will go into the army. If he or she is seven months then it is a naval life for them. If he or she is eight months then they will join the airforce. But if the babe gets to nine months and still doesn’t know how to get a decent shine on those booties the child will be a civilian.
This happened to my brother’s son, Johnny and that side of the family has never been the same again. To say that Johnny is a disappointment to the family name is a gross understatement. We do not, cannot invite him to family functions as his shoes really let the side down and make us a laughing stock in military circles.

Thankfully I have never had to worry myself. I learnt how to polish when I was five and a half months old. And Octavia – well, my darling girl had an inherent knowledge of shoemanship. She was just 4 months old when she toddled over to the store and bought her very first tub of polish. That evening I came home to find that all my boots, shoes, buttons and collection of brass band equipment had been polished to within an inch of their lives.

The history of boot polishing is a fascinating one that I have spent a great deal of time researching. It all started in 1286 when Sir Archibold Humphreys invaded the tropical rainforest area of Kilinmefeet.

Archie and his band of soldiers were wearing standard issue boots, size 14, 21 eye laces. They were issued scuffed such was the quality of leather in that day and age. After many days of hacking his way through the rainforest, Archie grew tired of his men getting dragged away by passing anacondas. There they were, walking through the undergrowth when suddenly and without warning a snake would appear from a tree above and drag a soldier away.