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VITA’S MOTHER’S GUIDE TO THE ROMANCE OF SPAIN 2

VITA’S MOTHER’S GUIDE TO THE ROMANCE OF SPAIN

After dinner everyone gathers in the village square to watch the Flamenco dancers. I am of course the best dancer there is but I like to look at how the other girls do their thing and I know that they will always drag me up to dance because of my beauty and personality and my passion for the dance.

It was on a night like this that I met my first love. His name was Paulo and he was a bullfighter. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and black hair that you have ever seen and he loved to perform the death defying feats of bull fighting.

The only trouble was that he had a blue cape. He was not the most successful matador in the world but he was the best looking and so the audience was mostly women on the days that he was fighting.

Paulo was a showman and he certainly knew how to get the crowd up on their feet. But this backfired on him one sultry afternoon in Seville. Paulo was in the ring for a show by the Young Matador Association. He was the third matador to enter the ring and the crowd were looking forward to a good show. The first two young matadors had been taken away on stretchers after a particularly nasty bull had managed to maim them with his horns.

Paulo wasn’t worried as he knew that with a flick of his cape and a flutter of his eyelashes that the bull would be won over and that the crowd would be screaming his name.

Paulo entered the arena and women in the stands started to flutter their eyelashes and their fans in anticipation of a great show. Paulo strode around the arena swirling his blue cape as the bull was let loose and charged towards Paulo with thunder in his steps. The ground shook as the bull ran faster and faster, head dipped and horns at the ready to impale Paulo’s beautiful bronzed body.

The crowd gasped in unison as the bull got closer to Paulo and just at the precise second that Paulo was about to pull his cape away and let the bull run past him, the bull screeched to a halt and rolled over on its back in submission.

The crowd went wild; Paulo had won over the bull! Such a feat had never before been seen and Paulo was a national hero. His fame only served to make his ego and vanity bigger as the days passed and it was with a big head and an arrogant stare that he entered the bullring in Madrid.

Once again, Paulo swaggered around the ring with his blue cape held at this side. The bull ran into the ring and charged. The audience leapt to their feet in anticipation of the famous move that Paulo was about to make. Paulo smiled wildly as he swept the cape away at just the right second and … caught himself in the eye, fell over and was trampled by the bull.

I never saw Paulo again. His whole attitude changed after he came out of the ring bruised and blinded by the cape. His adoring audience turned against him, angry that their hard earned pesetas had been wasted on a flouncey fake like Paulo. He went to live in the hills around Majorca and became a pianist.

He might well be out of my life but whenever I return to Spain and spend time in the hills I remember Paulo and my summer of romance with him all that time ago…

VITA’S MOTHER’S GUIDE TO THE ROMANCE OF SPAIN 1

VITA’S MOTHER’S GUIDE TO THE ROMANCE OF SPAIN

“Ola, I am Senora Vitensa, mother of Vita and I like Spain.”

SPAIN

Spain is a big country and it is verrry beautiful. It has the sea and the hills and the bulls and the olives.
I have been there many times and I always stay in a little town called Alamadra, which is near the southern tip of the country.

The village is set up on a hillside that is covered with vines and olive trees. I stay in an old farmhouse cottage that looks out over the blue waters of the Mediterranean and at night when the crickets start to chirp I sit on my balcony and watch the stars.

My mother’s mother’s friend’s dog came from Spain and so it is dear to my heart. I visit there as much as I can to become one with the earth and the soil and the paella.

I like to stay on my own so that I can be on my own.

That means that I can listen to the noises of the chickens, which I love. They remind me of my mother because she used to like Roast Chicken for dinner on a Sunday. That is from my English side.

But from my Spanish side I like the siestas in the afternoon. Vita has learned this from me and always has a nap at Atlantis High. Violet never understands that she simply has to lie down after lunch and that she has to sleep for a few hours.

It is not Vita’s fault that the stupid school system means that she wakes up when everyone has left for the day. If they made all the kids have siestas then they might be much happier than they are now. And if they are happy then they will learn.

Anyway, after my siesta in Spain I get up and have a swim. It is so warm in the water there and there are no sharks swimming near your toes. And no Beanie either – he always gets in the way when I try to swim in Sunset Cove.

After my swim I sit on my balcony and let the sunshine dry my hair while I read a book by Federico Garcia Lorca. Then I get ready for the evening.

In Spain people eat their dinner at about 9 o’clock. They meet together and have a very slow dinner. There are lots of tapas, which are little dishes of food that you can share with others. Only I do not like to share.

Then I have some paella, which is seafood, and rice and it is really very tasty, even though I am allergic to rice I like to eat the paella because that is what all the locals eat and they would look at me strangely if I ordered a hamburger.

There is a lot of wine drunk with the dinner and a lot of laughter and stories. The best stories are told by the old ladies who sit in their black clothes and drip their paella into their wrinkled faces. They smile through missing teeth and tell tales of the Flamenco and the gypsies. And of the way that the olives tasted when they were young and you had to climb hills as big as Mount Everest to catch an olive and that youngsters are so lucky today that all they have to do is to reach out of their window and pluck an olive off a tree.

BEANIE’S GUIDE TO SHINY ROUND THINGS 2

BEANIE’S GUIDE TO SHINY ROUND THINGS

SHINY THINGS

Rings are quite shiny and round, and make a nice red circle when thrown against someone’s forehead at just the right angle. Often, however, the perfect shape of rings is obscured by evil forces working for the sneaky line team. By slipping a ring over someone’s finger, they are able to fill the lovely round hole created by the ring, so that, seen from the side, the ring looks like a simple straight line, on a straight finger. This violation of the ring’s shapely prowess is a vulgar offence indeed. Rings are made to be held, not to be worn. Get that straight. Anyone who has read the real-life adventures of Frodo Baggins should know just how much damage can be done by wearing a ring in such a disgusting manner.

Another lovely shiny round object which has managed to defend itself against such soiling is the bottle cap, a lovely bit of round silver, which makes a lovely noise when embedded in the bottom of a shoe.

Another round shiny something of equal value is the coin. Many people have become confused by the evil propaganda of the straight-thinking politicians, and have come to believe that little rectangles of coloured paper or plastic are worth more than these shiny round coins. These are lies lies lies!!! (Lies.) If ever you unwisely choose to trade something round for a straight-lined shape, at least make it a square. At least a square carries some even-sided semblance of order. My mother used to give me a piece of paper with the number 100 printed on its corners each day as milk-money. Being the wise investor that I am, I always traded it for 4 shiny silver coins. I am not embarrassed to take advantage of a straight-lover’s folly.

Sometimes, when we go to the beach, I cannot help but staring at lovely organic bits of round flesh which glisten in the heat. That’s right—a girl’s eyes pick up the natural light in a way that is so lovely. Sometimes I long to look into the eyes of the boys as well, but they are often covering their assets with a despicable bit of dark plastic that modestly hides their most beautiful parts.

Iam not so selfish. I do not own any sunglasses, and I display my shiny round eyeballs for all the world to see.

Yesterday, I discovered a lovely shiny round object…..The shiniest, roundest of them all. There it was, just hanging in the sky, only barely out of reach, shining so brightly it made my eyes and skin hurt when I looked at it too long.

All the same, I was afraid that I would lose track of it if ever I looked away, so I stared at that shiny ball of light for seven and a half hours without blinking. Sometimes clouds would move by in front of my perfect circle, and try to steal it away from me, but, after an epic battle of the will, I triumphed.

Now I cannot see anything else, but that’s okay, as I still see that light whenever I close my eyes.

So shiny…..so lovely and round.

It’s just perfect.

BEANIE’S GUIDE TO SHINY ROUND THINGS 1

BEANIE’S GUIDE TO SHINY ROUND THINGS

“Hello, Beanie here. Ever since I learned the difference between a square and a circle, I have been hooked. Circles are very round, and round is very interesting. Round things are particularly eye-catching when the light bounces sharply off of them, and lands like spit in your eye. I have studied such objects ad nauseum. You might say that I am a connoisseur of shiny round things.

ROUND THINGS

Lets get back to the basics. There are two simple qualities that make up the world: Straight, and Curved. Any idea or thing has its origins in the principals of straightliness and curvliness. In MY latin terms these are called “curvaceous” and “straightliness”

Every letter of the alphabet is made up of a distinct combination of “curvaceous” and “straighliness” strokes, which, in their special combination, form a complete letter.

One can fairly say that the entire written language is dependent upon the contrast between straightly and curvly lines, as is the physical makeup of the world around you, the wave-forms of sounds that you hear, even the binary laws on which computers are founded. Ones and Zeros. 1 or 0. Black or white. On or Off. Curvaceous or Straighliness. Good or Evil.

It is nice to know that the world is so simple.

It is important to pick sides in the war between the straight line and the curve.

Me? I’m batting for the curvy team. If you dare to doubt me, look at my hair. One perfectly round ball of perfect little curves.

Go, Circles, Go!!!!
The most perfect straight line is an endless line. No chance of return, just a line moving progressively further, reaching futilely for infinity, for a final moment of rest. But there is never any rest for the straight line. It spans forever, reaching endlessly for infinity. Who would support an un-ending line when you could stand for an un-beginning circle?

The circle, if you didn’t know it, is the perfect form of the curved line. It is a uniform curve which manages to seamlessly double back on itself. It is not so mushy and indefinite as a line, which you are forced to imagine spanning indefinitely. A circle is contained.

Do you remember that one time on TV when Scully got that tattoo? Well, I couldn’t see the entire tattoo, because my round TV crops out the corners of the picture, but I’m pretty sure that I know what it was. An ouroboros. The snake that feeds on its own tale. The end is the beginning is the end. From its own death springs the snake’s life.

Circles are neat!

Because, you see, they have no beginning, and they have no end. Like the line, they go on indefinitely if you choose to see them as such, but they manage to have boundaries. A circle is an enclosure, a constricted area, a sphincter. What’s really cool is that, since the circle goes around and around, it is the perfect symbol of eternity, infinity. But it is also the shape of the number zero. The secret symbol that means, precisely, nothing.

Oh, circle, how I love thee. If the government would only sanctify inter-shape marriage, I would marry thee. And when I wedded thee, I would encircle thee with the yanic shape of a shiny, Cuvaceous wedding ring. Bound to you, in an endless, circular love.

As the lay-man is often unfamiliar with the divinity of the circle, I have decided to introduce you to a number of deliciously round, maliciously shiny objects.

As I mentioned, Agent Scully sports, a lovely ouroboros tattoo, which, covered in the sweat of an exhausting day out tanning on the beach, might shimmer and glisten in a manner that makes my stomach churn with desire.

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO UNDERWEAR 2

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO UNDERWEAR

The Basics

I know that for many of you, this will be the first time you have worn underwear. So I will give a quick lesson in the geography of the underwear.
Your underwear has 5 basic sections. There are three holes in your underwear. The larger of the three holes is “the waist.” The other two holes are “the legs.” The rest of your underwear is comprised of “the front” and “the back.” When holding your underwear by The Waist, with The Legs pulled away from eachother, The Front is the smaller panel, and The Back is the larger.

When putting your underwear on, hold it open by The Waist so that The Front is facing upward, and The Back is hanging toward the floor. Stick your right leg into the underwear through The Waist, and out through The Leg on the right side. Stick your left leg into the underwear through The Waist, and out through The Leg on the left side. It is important that you do not push both legs through the same Leg hole.

Now stand up. Clutching your underwear by The Waist, cinch the underwear upward toward your belly until you cannot pull them any higher. Congratulations! You are now Wearing Underwear!

(Please note that the above processes should be completed before you put on other clothing.)

Choosing Your Underwear
It is best to choose underwear that does not have another name on the waistband. There are a few exceptions to this rule. Any underwear bearing the name Sabrina Georgia is safe, as she does not wear her underwear. If you spot underwear bearing the name, Giles Gordon, this is extremely valuable, as there is a bounty on his underwear. Word on the street is that it is wanted for scientific testing. Please do not wear Giles Gordon underwear before selling it to the CIA as it may confuse their results.

Beyond that, there are millions of underwears available to you, and all are sold through the Atlantis High Clothing Catalogue (please make cheques out to Violet Profusion).

Sparkles are a nice touch on a pair of underwear, but, if you are wearing sparkles, it is important that you pull out the waist of your pants several times throughout the day to allow the sparkles to re-charge.

I am particularly fond of underwear with an electronic voice-box—you know, the kind that play the tinny electric Christmas Carols? However, after an incident in the bio labs, these are not to be worn on school premises. Violators will be prosecuted.

I do not recommend that anybody wear knit or wool underwear, they are just too distracting.

A popular choice for students is the day-of-the-week underwear. However, please note that you must buy seven different pairs of underwear, each bearing a different day. Otherwise, these underwears just do not function properly. When shopping for day-of-the-week underwear, look for pairs on which the day is printed upside-down, as otherwise you will be unable to check the day on your own underwear while in class.

Although girly underwear looks great on all three sexes, I would encourage you to look into various lines of men’s briefs. Men’s briefs, while often less attractive, have the great utility of coming with a free pocket, which is a great way to carry your money or lunch when you have no pockets on the rest of your clothing. When purchasing men’s briefs, please note that they ride lower on the hips and have tighter leg-holes. You will need a larger pair if it is to fit you properly.

Finally, for those men and women who require a brassierre, no school legislation has yet been passed to allow these back in our schools. I can offer the following solution:

Buy three matching pairs of underwear. Put on the first pair as instructed above. Now take the second pair and hold it above your head with The Back facing behind you, and The Front facing forward. Stick your head and your left arm through The Waist, and push your left arm out through The Leg on the left, and your head out through The Leg on the right.

Now take your third pair, and repeat as with the second, sticking your right arm out through The Leg on the right, and your head out through The Leg on the left.

There! Not only do you have an excuse to wear three luscious pairs of underwear, but you are able to match your tops and your bottoms. Is anyone luckier than you? Other than me, I mean?

Good luck!

(For those wishing to express their gratitude for my instruction, I accept donations in cash and underwear form. I wear a size 12!).