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VITA’S GUIDE TO TYPING 1

VITA’S GUIDE TO TYPING

“Hi, I’m Vita and this is my guide to Typing.

I hate it. It ruins my nails and makes my eyes go all squiggly. But I am good at it and I will teach you how it is best to do this thing they call typing.

PAPER, INK, KEYS…

Look at your desk. Do you have a typewriter there? No? Do you have a keyboard then? You must have something on your desk or you would not be interested in typing at all.

Okay then, whatever you use is okay with me. Whatever. It’s your choice. But it isn’t the same if you use a pencil – that is called writing.

Typing on a typewriter involves a great deal of skill. These machines are old and stupid and they make noises that give me a headache. But they are what my Mama used and what her Mama used and they are what I use.

Computers are okay and keyboards can be nice but I want to talk about typewriters first.

So, sit down and keep a straight back. Look at the typewriter and look at the letters on it. These are called keys. I don’t know why because they do not unlock anything but there you go, another stupid English word…

You have to put your fingers on the keys in a certain way and hit the keys to make a print on the paper. This is called typing.

Touch typing is when you can touch your nose when you hit the keys and I can do that very well. In fact, I can type with one hand and manicure my nails with my teeth.

Violet can only type with two fingers and even then she gets ink all over the place and it is up to me, Vita to clean the stupid desk. That is not why I am here and I think that it is slave labour to make me do these things but if it stops Violet from squawking in my ear then that is good because she gives me more of a headache than the typewriter does.

Typing is handy because it means that you don’t have to write anything, only if you want to sign your name at the end of the letter.

The paper goes in at the top and when you get to the end you have to use another piece of paper.

The ink makes the letters and when the ink is run out you have to put more ink in.

There is a bell that makes a noise when you get to the end of a line and that bell makes my budgie Mr Scrimpy flap his wings and say “I told you so.”

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO COSMETIC SURGERY Part 2

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO COSMETIC SURGERY

But that night in bed I had a dream that my face was falling off so the next morning I went out to the hospital again and took my frilliest nightie with me. I asked the doctors to match my eyelashes to the frills on my nightie and they did a fantastic job. The face-lift wasn’t so good though – I had to wear dark sunglasses for four and a half years to hide the bruising.

When the glasses came off, people thought I was a tall six year old and I couldn’t get served in the Wine Bar. So I had to counter balance the face-lift with ten tonnes of make-up just to survive in the adult world.
My next operation was on my lips. I had a beautiful pout anyway but when I saw a picture of Melena Andrea in the Vont magazine I decided I had to have lips like hers. I went back to the hospital with a new nightie and had some fat injected into my lips, Not any old ugly cow fat but the fat from my miniature poodle’s ears.

Ten top tips for cosmetic surgery

Always take your own nightie to the hospital
Make sure they stick your nose on properly – mine has fallen off five times this week
Buy the biggest, darkest glasses you can and pretend you’re a movie star for a few months until the bruising goes away
Teach yourself that pain is your friend
Don’t visit Dr.Machari on Sunset Cove Road
Ask to see that the surgeon has washed his hands
Don’t let the surgeon have a nap half way through your operation
Enjoy tying your shoelaces while you can – after you’ve had a tummy tuck you won’t be able to bend over for at least a decade
Carry a spare bag and mask with you in case your nose falls off
Don’t stand in the sun for more than 3 minutes in case your face melts

I woke up and looked in the mirror and was thrilled with what I saw – until I noticed that the mirror had a picture of Melena’s lips stuck onto it.

When I saw my real lips I screamed for at least seven hours and had to be sedated. My lips had white curly poodle fur on them and had turned black like my little doggie’s mouth!
I had to buy fourteen tonnes of Rummel lipstick in Vamp to hide my lips and had to shave three times a day. What a disaster!

My next op was to take fat off my thighs so I could fit into my friend’s daughter’s leather pants for a hot date. The liposuction left big bruises round my thighs and I had to wear a diver’s rescue suit for 2 years to stop the haemorrhaging.

I have had at least 10,000 little operations since the early days and the real truth to my beauty isn’t in surgery – it’s in a mask that the doctors had to create for me to hide all the disfigurements I had suffered through the years.

Some people say that you can become addicted to cosmetic surgery. Me, I say cosmetic surgery is a necessity – I am determined to get rid of the mask and get my real face back again. So, I’ve got to go – I’m running late for my nose job..

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO COSMETIC SURGERY Part 1

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO COSMETIC SURGERY

““Everyone I meet thinks that I am 21 years old but they would be surprised to learn my real age…”

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN GORGEOUS

My mother said it was all down to good genes but I don’t see how a pair of pants can make you look 20 years younger than you are.

Even when I wear a skirt I look younger than my years and everyone tells me how gorgeous I am. But then I have always been gorgeous.

Cosmetic Surgery Myths and Facts

Big lips aren’t all they’re cracked up to be
Liposuction sucks
Poodle ear fat is not the best way to get rid of lines
Frilly nighties look better than hospital gowns
Noses come in all shapes and sizes
The top cosmetic surgeon is really expensive
The skin on my forehead is thinner than a piece of tissue paper
Your ears look better when they are on the side of your face and not on the top of your head
The first person to get cosmetic surgery was a cosmonaut – the aliens thought they had found one of their own when he appeared in space
Not all plastic surgery is plastic

I won’t tell you how old I am – no woman likes to give away their age – but I will tell you that I have all my own teeth, eyes and ears.

Other than that, it’s all fake! Well, naturally fake that is – cow fat, horse fat, pig fat and herbal essences.

Like I said, I have always been gorgeous but when I was 18 years old I woke up one morning and noticed 2 lines around my mouth. Mother took me right to the doctors and booked me in for my first face-lift.

I was so excited to get to hospital but when they brought the operating gown out to me I ran away – well would you be seen by gorgeous doctors in a blue floral paper nightie with a big slit down the back? I don’t think so…

When I got home I looked in the mirror again and tried to come to terms with my lines – then noticed that they had gone! And then it came back to me…I had forgotten to wipe the spaghetti off my face the night before! It must have fallen off when I ran out of the hospital!

What a lucky escape!

SOPHIE’S GUIDE TO SKIING WITH YOUR POLTERGEIST Part 2

SOPHIE’S GUIDE TO SKIING WITH YOUR POLTERGEIST

Packing

Remember to dress warm. This is snow territory. That means you’ll have to wear socks under your sandals, and bring several bags to keep your surfboard warm and cozy. Layers are crucial.

Pack for three months. As you probably will not have a laundry machine, this means approximately 180 pairs of underwear. (Heed your mother’s pleas. Remember to change your underwear frequently, in case you have an accident.)

Canned food is a bad idea, and can lead to nasty, circular bruises in your forehead. If able, I recommend that you bring live food. Since all ghosts are vegan, animal livestock is simply out of the question. However, your vegetable garden can be made portable, using a green turtle sandbox. Be sure to properly secure this before parachuting.

A toothbrush is unnecessary. As much as you want to, you will never kiss your poltergeist. A hairbrush is okay, but I prefer to shave my head before long trips, so I don’t have to worry about a mass of blonde tangles.

You could choose to purchase skis in advance, but there is often an old wooden pair suspended in a decorative X on the cabin walls, and I prefer to leave some room for chance. If you do not find skis in your stolen cabin, you can always remove a log or two from the wall and strap these to your feet.

Skiing
I understand that many of my readers have never been on skis. Don’t worry. It is just like waterskiing—you can even strap yourself onto your poltergeist, and let him drive on ahead of you. However, in most cases, I prefer to let gravity to the driving.

When skiing, it is important to listen to the sounds around you. If you hear a crusty scrape, you are probably skiing on ice, and should take note that falling will hurt. A soft whisper like waves on sand is what you should hear. As well as a rush of wind in your ears. If the wind is not screaming louder than the banshee beside you, you are not moving fast enough. If you hear a large crack, there are two possibilities: you are about to learn the definition of ‘avalanche,’ or your poltergeist is hurling a tree at you. Either way ditch your skis, and run fast.

Push your limits! You might as well try a few jumps. Remember, your poltergeist is having fun too! So whether you like it or not, you will soon be airborne. Best to make that choice for yourself. Flips are a great way to see the world from the perspective of an Australian.

Please be aware of obstacles. The slope may look clear for the next10 feet, but in the point-five seconds it takes to move cross that 10 feet, your poltergeist will have added a tree, a tugboat, and a four-post bed to the scenery before you. Vigilance is paramount. Challenge your ghost as he challenges you. Make his job difficult.

If you do fall, do not tumble endlessly as you might when thrown from your surfboard. Remember, you have two new cumbersome appendages, and a poorly planned fall could literally result in a human knot. Skiers who wish to avoid this would do well to tie their skis together and thus maintain their position relative to each other.

I would highly recommend skiing through trees. Trees create a special sort of natural maze, and, with your poltergeist there, trying his ghostly best to destroy you, the trees will creak and walk around you like a crowd of humans. It’s like in that movie, where David Bowie had all the makeup and walked upside-down on the stairs….the maze is changing around you. Really cool, very heady experience. Do take care though, that you do not run into a freshly relocated tree. Remember, while your poltergeist can split himself in two and trickle around the tree like water, you will only be halted, in a sudden, violent tree-hug.

Getting Home
This is your problem. You’re the one who parachuted down to an abandoned old cabin in the middle of nowhere, with no bathtub or telephone, with nothing but an evil ghost for company. What were you thinking?

Good Luck!

You’ll have a great time and really come to intimately understand your personal poltergeist. Have fun! And remember, skiing is perfectly safe, as long as you’re not a Kennedy..

SOPHIE’S GUIDE TO SKIING WITH YOUR POLTERGEIST Part 1

SOPHIE’S GUIDE TO SKIING WITH YOUR POLTERGEIST

“

Hi! Sophie here! I am very old. In fact, in less than a decade, I will be able to rent a car! As such, I would like to share some of my valuable life experiences with you younguns. One of the most valuable lessons I have learned in life his how to handle my poltergeist. Today I will pass that lesson down to you…

We all have a personal poltergeist. Most of us just fail to recognize them.

A poltergeist is an angry ghost. Why is it so mad at you? If you are the cause of the poltergeist’s ghostdom, the answer is obvious. Sometimes, the answer is less simple.

I am pretty sure that my poltergeist selected me because I was eating sweet rice pudding. Why would this be? I don’t know. The world has many great mysteries, and this is one of them. All I know is that the wrath of my private poltergeist first appeared over dessert, and that all of my subsequent attempts to eat rice pudding have been thwarted.

In truth, it matters not how you and your poltergeist ended up together; what counts is that you did find each other. And you are now inseparable, whether you choose to admit it or not.

Just like any other tag-along friend, all your poltergeist wants is a little bit of love and affection. It will warm the cockle’s of your poltergeist’s empty heart if you will just pause now and again, to shower them with endless affection.

Candle-lit dinners are a must-have, though if you use real candles, you should be prepared to explain to authorities how the neighbors’ house burned down. More adventurous poltergeists may enjoy a trip to the paintball shooting range. I’d stay away from bowling with your poltergeist, and really any sport involving a bat or a club. Swimming is a good bet, if you’re ready to do some haunting of your own.

For those who really want to love their poltergeist to love’s limits, I would have to recommend a private vacation. Just you and your poltergeist, holed up in a rustic cabin somewhere, with no one to come between you with ill-begotten plans of rescue.

Rent a private airplane, and have the pilot drop you above your secluded destination. Make sure that your vacation home has no distractions such as television or the telephone or teletubbies to whittle away your time with your beloved poltergeist.

You could call ahead to a rental agency and find a place up to your standards, but I’ve actually found that squatting works just as well. Your poltergeist will make sure that any owners or official renters agree to let you stay on without them. But a good, old-fashioned back-woods cabin, vacated for the last 100 years or so, often has a special charm, for instance a collection of rusty metal band-aid boxes, each containing a lock of hair. This is the kind of special touch that makes the crazy cabin home.

I’d have to say that the best trip for two for your poltergeist and you does not happen in the island tropics, but high in the icy mountains. Yes! That’s it! A ski-trip!