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GILES’ GUIDE TO ACTING INSANE Part 1

GILES’ GUIDE TO ACTING INSANE

“Since moving to Sunset Cove I’ve seen many insane people. I think I have a good overall knowledge of what defines such a person. Here’s my guide to some of the crazies in Sunset Cove”

Top 10 Tips on making people think you’re insane

1. Scratch your arms like you’re covered in fleas and let out an ear piercing scream every so often.

2. Drive your car in reverse everywhere you go.

3. Run down the street naked once a week.

4. Learn to master a twitch in your face.

5. Let out a high pitched mwahhahaa laugh at everyone you see.

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So, most people in Sunset Cove are pretty weird. There’s people that walk down the street in Scuba gear, nuns that sing and dance in the street, men that dress as women and all sorts of other weirdness that you may not expect to see in your own city.

There’s something not right about the old man that lives down our street. He will walk to his letterbox about 20 times a day and sing into it. But that’s not all. You can catch him riding his bicycle down the street and he’s absolutely butt naked! He’ll wave out with a big hello and all you can do is smile and wave back and hope he hasn’t seen the horror on your face. I guess these things you just come to accept – there’s always one in each street isn’t there?

You have to treat these people with respect, partly because you don’t know what they might do to you if you don’t, but also because each of us has a weird side and some just have a whole weird side more than us.

The Sunset Cove Asylum

A special asylum was set up in Sunset Cove a few years ago. Everyone who lives there wears a straight-jacket. They all live fairly normal lives and are free to come and go with a caregiver. They wear their straight-jackets around town so they’re easily spotted and each one wears a sign on their back saying “Kick me and I’ll eat your liver”

You know to stare clear of them and keep eye contact to a minimum. They remind me of Lector from Silence of the Lambs and usually after I’ve seen on in town I’ll have a nightmare that night and wake up screaming. Sometimes because of that, my mother thinks I’m insane myself.

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO KNITTING 2

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO KNITTING

Giles my guinea pig

I have often used Giles as my model. I made him a lovely pair of pink mufflers to keep his ears warm during winter back home. Of course it didn’t matter that they were pink as Giles has always been a geek at school anyway so he didn’t really get hassled any more than usual.

For his 13th birthday I gave him my 1st prize winning pair of adult booties. Lovely blue woollen booties with little blue bows. Giles told me they were so special that he couldn’t possibly wear them and so he hung them on his wall instead. I actually think he was really proud of my work.

Dropping stitches

Clack clack clickety clack. I love the sound of knitting! But one sound I really hate is the sound of dropping a stitch. Actually it doesn’t make a sound but my cursing sure does. If you don’t pick it up early enough you might have to unravel rows and rows before you get to the row where you made the mistake. Actually sometimes I get carried away and unravel the whole thing until there’s a huge pile of curly wool on the floor. Then I jump on it like a kid… and… that’s probably quite enough information.

Spinning my own wool

I’m pretty good at spinning a yarn but I’m even better at spinning my own wool. When I was young I used to go to the markets to track down an old man that sold Angora goats. I’d take one home much to the despair of my mother. They were right little characters and used to chew my clothes and anything on the washing line! But they produced the most beautiful mohair wool. Sometimes I thought I might need a lawn-mohair to get it off their backs – get it?? Never mind, I can’t spin jokes.

One of my greatest accomplishments was a woollen cake. I knitted the whole thing in a day and lined it in cardboard. It was the perfect plan to getting Giles out of jail. Giles isn’t a bad boy mind you – just a little strange. I think he really needs a hobby to keep him out of trouble. He might even be interest in knitting. think I’ll have a word to him – man to man.

GRAMPA’S GUIDE 1

GRAMPA’S GUIDE

“You know knitting isn’t just for old nana’s. Knitting is a forgotten art! Let me tell you about my love of knitting at age 75.”

Knitting tips

When you knit socks – make sure you knit two.
Don’t let people call you a Knit Wit
Always be kind to sheep and goats.
Needles are your friends – don’t ever yell at them when you get it wrong or drop a stitch.
Follow the pattern or you might end up a with a three armed pair of pants.
Spin your own wool – but make sure it’s off the sheep before you start.

BOOTIES AND BONNETS

You know there’s more to knitting than booties and bonnets for grandchildren. I bet all of you picture knitting as an old woman sitting in her rocking chair on the porch knitting a pair of pink booties. Well I’m sorry to burst your little woollen bubble, but that’s just not the case.

Knitting is on the rise again! And more and more people are taking it up!

I’ve been knitting for near on 40 years. I started out knitting socks and scarves and slowly progressed to sweaters, cakes and toys.

I’ve come to master knitting like it’s been in my family for generations.

Dennis just has no idea about knitting. I once caught Dennis trying to thread the knitting needles! I tried to explain that knitting needles didn’t have an eye and she just looked at me all googly like I was talking rubbish. So I left her to it.

Relaxibility

A lot of people take up knitting because it’s just so relaxing. Once you get into the groove of it your hands do all the work and you can almost forget you’re doing it. I once completely forgot I was knitting – I went down to the store to buy some eggs, I walked along the beach, I visited a close friend and by the time I got back I’d knitted a vest. It’s some of the best work I’ve done – a bright red vest – warms you in winter!

There’s all sorts of wool you can use too – double knit, triple knit, four ply and of course mohair. I once knitted Giles a mohawk out of mohair. He was only five and he looked like the coolest little punk at school. I was going to knit him a motorcyle helmet to wear when I took him for rides on my bike but he’s a bit claustrophobic and the wool over his face gave him a rash.

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO SURFING Page 2

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO SURFING

TAKING LESSONS CONT…

Firstly you’ll just learn to paddle on your board – it’s not too hard and it’s the start of getting your balance correctly on the board. Then you’ll start to paddle with an incoming wave and you’ll feel such a rush that you’ll just want to stand up straight away – but I don’t advise it – I broke my nose on my board a few times before I got the hang of it.

When you’ve finally mastered the beginnings you’ll take your first stand on a small wave. You’ll think you’re the king of the world! Then you’ll promptly fall off and swim your way out again.

SUNSET COVE SURFERS

Surfers strolling down the streets in Sunset Cove are not necessarily surfers. Surfing is just the coolest thing in town so even if you just own a board and walk with it down the street occasionally then you’re part of the “it” crowd.

Then there’s the people who you might think are the posers but are in fact accomplished surfers. Commander Vermont is one of the best surfers in Sunset Cove! Would you believe!?

Josh is a fantastic surfer too and I’ve tried to convince Giles to take some lessons from him. Giles isn’t interested in surfing. He thinks he’s not tanned enough or something – but I think it might clear up his zits if he ever gave it a chance.

Five ways to look cool while you’re surfing

Place your sunglasses on your head – not on your face
Make sure you overdo your fake tan – it will keep you more protected from the sun and you’ll look like you’ve spent hours out in the sun on your board.
Practice the “stance” – one arm in front of you and one arm behind you.
If you’ve got it flaunt it if you haven’t cover it – bikini’s versus wetsuits.
If there’s a cute guy or girl surfer near by, fall off your board and feign injury – they’ll come to your rescue if you’re lucky

SURFING MYTHS

Surfing will not put hairs on your chest – and if it does then I suggest you wax it off pronto!

Surfing will not always win you the girl/boy – but it sure can help!

Surfing in a wave pool is not cooler than surfing in the sea. Don’t listen to anyone that tells you otherwise.

Alien’s don’t surf – no matter how much they want to borrow your board – don’t let them!

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO SURFING Page 1

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO SURFING

“Dorothy here, I’ve only been surfing since I moved to Sunset Cove but I think I’ve found my calling. There is something so invigorating and exciting about it and of course you’re always searching for that perfect wave…

THE EARLY BEGINNINGS

Firstly you have to at least go down to the beach and watch other people surfing. If this doesn’t put you into a dream-like state and have you dancing along the beach wanting to dive on in and steal someone’s board then perhaps you’re not really destined to be a surfer.

Next you hook up with some spunkster of a surfer and tell him how much you just want to ride a wave. If you’re lucky he’ll take you under his wing and give you a few tips.

Then it’s time to get your first lot of gear. Go to your local surf shop and find a board and there’s heaps of different shapes and sizes. I got a fish shaped board in black – pretty rare but the guy behind the counter was sure this was the board for me. But that was my first board – I’m onto my sixth now.

Don’t forget your wax, your wetsuit, your fake tan, your hairstyle, your surfy clothes and then of course you need a cool wagon to put all your gear in – unless you live in Sunset Cove and then it’s cooler if you walk down the street with it. Hey, if you’re a real surfy then you will probably spend every last penny you have on looking the part.

TAKING LESSONS

Certainly don’t expect to be a surfing legend within a week. I mean just getting your wetsuit on can be a mission in itself. Never try to put it on wet or you’ll end up stuck in the thing in a weird position and will have to embarrass yourself by asking someone to help you.

Once you’ve squeezed into that you might want to take it for a test run. Take a flying leap into the sea and hope that it helps keep you afloat, keeps you warm and the brighter it is, the better – gotta watch those sharks.

Some people choose to swim in their jeans which is pretty risky and Grampa once knitted me a wetsuit and I was unbelievably lucky to survive! The wool got sopping wet and dragged me under and the next thing I knew Silver Lining was giving me mouth to mouth on the beach. I tried it again the next week but he evaded my calls for help.