Tag: Josh Montana

“Everyone knows my family has the biggest pool in Sunset Cove and we have had more than our fair share of parties. Here are some of the Montana family secrets to throwing the pool party of your lifetime.”

Number 1 – Make sure that you have a pool
This is so good it’s bad. I went to a pool party one time and the poor deluded girl didn’t even have a pool. She thought that she could just buy one of those blow up plastic kiddy pools and that would do. It was okay for a while but the water wasn’t heated and by the time I had done a lap I had chilled my toes so badly that I had to sit on a hot water bottle for three and a half days.

There were a lot of people there and several got crushed and badly bruised when a diving competition was held.

The girl is now in therapy (and traction) and is not expected to make a full recovery. Still, she managed to get a doctor to fall in love with her and he is now going to build her an Olympic sized pool so that she can have a real party.

Number 2 – Invite the right people
I always think long and hard before I get Jeeves to write the invites to one of my pool parties. There have got to be the right number of babes there who know how to fill a swimsuit and I never ever invite any geeks to my parties. They would just make me want to vomit into the pool if they showed their knobbly knees in their underdaks and that would sure spoil the fun.

Coach Shane is a sure bet for coming along to the party. He can do the best synchronized swimming I have ever seen and that always gives me the chance to watch the babes join in and I love it when they wear those little pegs on their noses. It reminds me of my nanny when she used to change my diapers.

Number 3 – The Pool
Of course my family have the best pool in the world for pool parties. It’s really classy. It is big and heart shaped with a diamante mosaic at the bottom of our family portrait. All around the pool are pink tiles that glow fluorescent in the dark and the pool itself is always at least 30 degrees warm.

We have a waterfall the size of Niagara at the end of the pool and there are so many blow up fish floats in the pool that some people think they have walked into an aquarium.

We make sure that the pool is skimmed every day by Sven the Skimmer and it looks so clean that you can’t help but dive right in off the championship diving board.

There are mirrored tiles all around the edge of the pool so that whether you are out of the water or under the water you can see yourself and check out your form.

I’m Josh Montana undercover superhero in Sunset Cove. The Silver Lining has been called to a number of holdups so here’s my guide to surviving a holdup…

When first called out to a holdup situation I make sure I’ve got all the necessary equipment.

Firstly a watergun. – these can come in very handy for catching the thief off guard. Fill it with a solution of water and dishwashing liquid to give that extra bite. If you happen to have an aim like a snake then getting this in the person’s eyes is a sure way for them to drop their weapon and scream like a girl.

Secondly a frozen chicken – In my time I’ve come across people using these as weapons to hold up shops. I’ve always thought of the philosophy, fight fire with fire, so, why not fight chicken with chicken. Catching a thief at their own game can be very amusing and they can become quite stuck for words. Make sure you have a big one.

Thirdly some banana peels – I eat bananas every day to keep up my superhuman abilities so keeping the skins is no problem. When a thief tries to make a quick getaway I’ve always lined the exit to the shop with a good supply of peels. Any thief thinking he can get away will end up on his bum!

Finally my trusty pink crime fighting gear – If you’re a superhero you’re expected to wear the coolest outfits. Pink is THE colour this season so my bright pink bodysuit along with my designer black shorts are ideal. I never fail to get comments about it. And best of all, most thieves have to do a double take when they see me. This gives me a split second to pounce on them and tie them in a knot before the local authorities arrive.

What should you do?
If you’re caught in a holdup situation you should always check to see if you can get outside help.

Firstly, programme the Silver Llinings number into your mobile phone quickdial settings. This way you only have to press one button and you know the Silver Lining will be there.

Secondly seek a good hiding place in the store – in the freezer is a good place, no ones likely to look there – BUT make sure you don’t lock yourself in or you may end up looking like a frozen chicken!

Do as they say – It may be tempting to be a superhero yourself but if someone’s threatening you with a frozen chicken you better do what they say! Stay calm, chew some gum and wait for the Silver Lining to arrive because no doubt the Silver Lining will always be first to the rescue, a huh!

Offer them some food – Don’t forget that this thief may just be hungry and irritated and that’s what all this fuss is about in the first place. If you’re smart you carry everlasting gobstoppers and thus the theif will have their mouth full for hours and won’t be able to get a word in at all. The Silver Lining sells everlasting gobstoppers at 20cents each. Please phone the Silver Lining hotline for more information.

My favourite store is my Dad’s store, Montana and Sons. It is the biggest place you can ever begin to imagine. It is 94 storey’s high and takes up 10 and a half blocks. There are 400 elevators, 3300 escalators and 2 zillion gold steps. It stocks everything you could ever want from coffee coated kidney stones to the hat worn by Lord Admiral Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar.

So, I like to go there a lot and all the staff know me so I have just the best time. My favourite floor at the moment is floor 27, which is crammed full of interactive TV units; remote controlled wireless DVD phones and dehumidified personal oxygen stations.

My Dad and Mom are just as proud of me today as they were the day I was born – a bit prouder than then actually because I have learnt how to use the potty now. They know that I will be a good independent son because they have taught me how to spend like the best of them.

I’ve won awards for my spending and people come to me if I can show them how to spend money. I’m always happy to help but I just wish that they’d remember where they put their own wallets sometimes.

I have to say that spending money is just so easy. It’s only a problem if you have too much cash to fit in your wallet but you can always get someone else to carry some for you – but sometimes they run away and you don’t see them again which I find kinda weird…

Josh’s Top Ten Tips for Spending Money

1. Go out early, the earlier you leave the house the more you’ll come home with.
2. Every time you spend a dollar, spend another one.
3. The best thing that money can buy is more money.
4. Gold is nice but platinum is better.
5. Start at the left of the store and work your way around so you don’t get dizzy.
6. Find out where the washrooms are in case you need to go.
7. Stop for food and drink a lot and think about your purchases, it makes your smile really white which makes you a real chick magnet
8. Get the sales assistant to put your purchases in a bag – it makes things easier to carry that way.
9. If you buy animals make sure that you also buy them some food or they’ll get hungry.
10. Keep looking at your reflection – the weird lightbulbs they use in shops can make you look like you’ve got real bad zits.