Martyn Sanderson Archives

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO BIKERS 2

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO BIKERS

So what do you do?

1. Apply jelly (preferably lime flavoured) to legs.

2. Lie on your side and wriggle into leathers (singing Bat Out Of Hell helps with your motivation ‘cause this can take a while).

3. Stand on one leg, up on your tiptoes and shake your other leg for 2 and a half minutes. Repeat with other leg.

4. Stretch backwards into the crab position and do 4 reverse press-ups.

5. Stand straight, admire yourself in mirror. Leathers should now fit perfectly and move with your body.

Let me tell you, I have had the best times when I’ve been cruising the streets on my bike. So many women throw themselves at you when they see you’re a Hells Biker.

The tattoo is what grabs their attention most of all. The tattoo you choose tells a person what your personality is like – they say a tattoo is the window to your soul.

My tat is faded now but boy; it was the best tat the Hells Bikers had ever seen.

It covers my chest and back and it took ten years to complete. It has such detail on it, it was perfect. No, I’m not gonna tell you what it is – it’s a secret and only other Hells Bikers know what it is.
Hells Bikers are Chick Magnets, Fact or Fiction?

It’s a well-known fact! And it’s not just the tats that do it.

I’m gonna let you in on something here, you want to know the best way to attract a biker chick?

Wear olive oil instead of aftershave, reminds the gals of Italy. And Italy = Romance, capiche?

Let your hair get dirty, be at peace with the grease! It shows the chicks that you have more to do with your time than to wash your hair, you know what I’m saying?

Paint your nails (black is good), it shows the chicks that you’re still in touch with your feminine side.

Never wash your leathers, they won’t cling properly if put them in the washer /dryer.

Buy a dog and call it Norman (never did figure that one out, but the chicks loved it).

Okay, remember kids, bikes are dangerous weapons in the wrong hands. They went a lot slower back in the day and I’ve still had my fair share of bad accidents. Stick to learning to get your leathers on for now.

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO BIKERS 1

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO BIKERS

Hey kids, I’m Grandpa and I’m not scared to say that I love bikes. Let me tell you a little something about them.

Vrrommm Vrrooomm
Who hasn’t dreamt of being strapped to the back of a Harley, zooming along countryside lanes and beachside roads? I’ve always loved bikes and I got my first one when I was 2 years old.

How to tell if your child will be a true biker: –

1. When you’re pregnant the baby starts to kick whenever bikes zoom past.
2. Baby starts to headbang side of crib.
3. Baby ignores milk and reaches towards beer.
4. Toddler sings Heavy Metal songs instead of patty cake patty cake.
5. Child pushes other children off the tricycles at pre-school.
6. Child insists on wearing leather nappies.
7. Child refuses to wash hair and grows fringe so it covers eyes.
8. Child wants to be read Biker weekly magazines at bedtime instead of My Fluffy Bunny.
9. First word is Vrrroooommmm.
10. Child demands that Mom pushes stroller at full speed (and preferably performs wheelies)

I love to get into my leathers whenever I can and hang out with the Hells Bikers of Sunset Cove.
Sure, they’ve seen better days, that’s for sure but we all stick together and try to protect the secrets of Big. D.

Dennis hates it when he finds oil on my clothes but I tell him, “Dennis, you should get yourself down to the tattoo shop and stop worrying about the laundry.”

My legs creak a bit now and I find it hard to get on my bike. And it’s getting really difficult to pull on my leathers now.

GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TELEVISION 2

GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TELEVISION

Top 5 TV Shows

1. Ssssh – The Library

2. Simply Sophie

3. Survivor – Traffic Island

4. Sunset Cove Watch

5. The Apprentice Hairdresser

My Television Appearances

I have to confess that I’m a television junky and love to watch the reality shows and the talk shows.

I got myself on Simply Sophie once by telling all the news networks that Giles was an alien. I always thought there was something strange about him and then he was hanging out with that weird Octavia girl which just put the wind up me.

My 15 minutes of fame was over in less than a minute. After I’d been into make-up and they’d put far too much on I went to wardrobe where they put me in a nice Grandpa sweater which suited me fine. Then I got the call that I was to go on stage. I was so excited I nearly lost all control of my bladder – which isn’t hard at my age.

They asked me a couple of questions about Giles’ odd behaviour and his relationship with Miss Vermont and then they went to a commercial break and chucked me off the stage. It was great while it lasted and I’d set my tv at home to record it so I’ve been watching it over and over again for the past year.

I might try my luck and try and get another appearance but first I’ll have to think up something they’ll want to see me about. Maybe I could set a world record for the number of hours watching tv…

My only other appearance was when I was a feature on the news. I’d been out on my bike and it broke down in the middle of nowhere. I was then chased by a dog down the street who ripped off all my clothes so I tried to scale a power pole. I ended up hanging from the power pole, naked, caught in the wires getting electric shocks and couldn’t get down. Apparently I caused power outtages to half the city and they showed the piece on the news warning people not to climb power poles.

Anyway it’s time to get back to Nature Watch. Enjoy your television watching!

GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TELEVISION 1

GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TELEVISION

“When I was a young lad we didn’t have television so now I make up for lost time and watch it as much as I can. There’s a lot to be learnt from watching a box.”

Top Ten Tips for watching TV

1. Always have popcorn

2. Make sure your couch is comfy

3. Try turning the sound off and watching it mute.

4. Change the language and feel like you’re in another country.

5. Take the phone off the hook and bolt your door so no one can interrupt you.

6. Have a portable tv that you can take with you to the shower.

7. Watch it upside down – it will give you a new perspective

8. Phone in to all the live shows and make a nuisance of yourself

9. Don’t let anyone tell you you watch too much tv – they’re only jealous.

10. Try and get yourself on a talk show – you might regret it but will laugh it off after a few months.

Television is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get. There’s such a variety of programs that it’s sometimes really hard to even know which one to watch! Here’s some of my favourites.

Nature watch – there’s this fascinating program that follows the lives of animals and insects around the world. My favourite episode was one on ants. It put things in perspective for me. We’re all ants in a big big world and I just sat there for hours watching them scuttle along.

Freeze TV – There’s not much to this one but it satisfies my need to sleep between programs. It’s a program that films the movement of a glacier. A glacier can sometimes only move 1 foot a year so when this program is on I force myself not to watch it and take a well earned nap. If there was no Freeze TV then it’s quite possible I would never take a break from TV. So thankyou Freeze TV.

Sunset Cove Watch – This is the greatest one yet. There are security camera’s all over Sunset Cove and this channel lets you tune in and watch them. I find people in Sunset Cove are always up to something especially because they’re so WEIRD! The other day I saw a guy walking down the street on his hands who then choked on his bubble gum and another time I saw Silver Lining and Bad Mood having a huge argument in the playground over who got the best swing.

TV Addiction

Some people say they are addicted to tv but I don’t think that’s fair. You should be able to watch as much tv as you like without being typecast with a problem. I sit in my armchair and pull my cover over me when I finish for the night – I don’t sleep in a bed because then I’d have to get up to watch tv and tv should be a relaxing enjoyable experience so why ever leave? I mean you can even do your shopping on tv!

I’ve managed to program my brain to wake me up everytime my favourite shows are on. I’ve also got the latest in plasma technology and my tv does all the thinking for me. I can program it to change channels and book shows. There’s this new tv tha’ts just come on the market that can make tv dinners, find you a mate with onscreen dating and even has a foldout bed. I’m thinking seriously about saving up the $10,000 to get one.

I really think I love tv. I don’t know what I’d do without it. It’s like a long lasting, meaningful relationship. You would never think of breaking it off or calling it quits.

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO KNITTING 2

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO KNITTING

Giles my guinea pig

I have often used Giles as my model. I made him a lovely pair of pink mufflers to keep his ears warm during winter back home. Of course it didn’t matter that they were pink as Giles has always been a geek at school anyway so he didn’t really get hassled any more than usual.

For his 13th birthday I gave him my 1st prize winning pair of adult booties. Lovely blue woollen booties with little blue bows. Giles told me they were so special that he couldn’t possibly wear them and so he hung them on his wall instead. I actually think he was really proud of my work.

Dropping stitches

Clack clack clickety clack. I love the sound of knitting! But one sound I really hate is the sound of dropping a stitch. Actually it doesn’t make a sound but my cursing sure does. If you don’t pick it up early enough you might have to unravel rows and rows before you get to the row where you made the mistake. Actually sometimes I get carried away and unravel the whole thing until there’s a huge pile of curly wool on the floor. Then I jump on it like a kid… and… that’s probably quite enough information.

Spinning my own wool

I’m pretty good at spinning a yarn but I’m even better at spinning my own wool. When I was young I used to go to the markets to track down an old man that sold Angora goats. I’d take one home much to the despair of my mother. They were right little characters and used to chew my clothes and anything on the washing line! But they produced the most beautiful mohair wool. Sometimes I thought I might need a lawn-mohair to get it off their backs – get it?? Never mind, I can’t spin jokes.

One of my greatest accomplishments was a woollen cake. I knitted the whole thing in a day and lined it in cardboard. It was the perfect plan to getting Giles out of jail. Giles isn’t a bad boy mind you – just a little strange. I think he really needs a hobby to keep him out of trouble. He might even be interest in knitting. think I’ll have a word to him – man to man.