Tag: Robyn Malcolm

“Easter, Christmas, Summer Holidays – pah! I want to tell you a little bit about a celebration I like to get involved in that not many outsiders know about… Halloqueen”

HOW HALLOQUEEN CAME ABOUT…

You’ll all have heard of Halloween when kids get dressed up as their favourite ghost or ghoul and run round the neighbourhood asking for candy.

Well here in Sunset Cove we celebrate something different in the second week of October.
Halloqueen is a celebration of the feminine side of us all and as far as I know it is only celebrated here where people can be whatever they want to be and individuality is embraced by one and all.

It all started in 1962 when Larry Larrikin moved to the Bay from the Big Smoke over the hill. A milkman by trade, Larry first set eyes on the Bay when his milk float took a wrong turn at the top of Paradise Point, the brakes failed and in came the milk float at a rate of a hundred miles an hour, down the hill and into the Bay.

Screeching to a halt outside the Princess Diner, Larry was welcomed with open arms by the owner, Queenie and given a cup of tea with plenty of sugar for the shock.

What Queenie didn’t realize was that Larry wasn’t in shock because of the runaway milkfloat but because he thought that Queenie was in fact the Queen.

It seemed that Larry had suffered a bad concussion when his milk float had crashed and as he looked up into the eyes of the owner of the Diner he said “Hallo Queen.”

Larry gave up his job as a milkman and started up the first milk bar in Sunset Cove, the Queen’s Head and it was a great success. Larry was welcomed into the town by all and he got on particularly well with the Big D and the Hells Bikers who made sure that no trouble took place in this drinking hole. They had a particular love of milkshakes and smoothies – no one could rustle up a better banana smoothie than old Larry.

Larry became a stable part of Sunset Cove’s culture and took a great interest in all aspects of life in the town. He became a Committee Member of several clubs and was the main fundraiser for Atlantis High and the Kindergarten.

He remained best buddies with Queenie and they always had a laugh at the way they met for the first time.

Life was peachy until one dark October night. Larry had locked up for the night and strolled over the road to the Princess Diner for a quick chocolate sundae before settling in for a night of soap operas and reality TV.

I know that for many of you, this will be the first time you have worn underwear. So I will give a quick lesson in the geography of the underwear.
Your underwear has 5 basic sections. There are three holes in your underwear. The larger of the three holes is “the waist.” The other two holes are “the legs.” The rest of your underwear is comprised of “the front” and “the back.” When holding your underwear by The Waist, with The Legs pulled away from eachother, The Front is the smaller panel, and The Back is the larger.

When putting your underwear on, hold it open by The Waist so that The Front is facing upward, and The Back is hanging toward the floor. Stick your right leg into the underwear through The Waist, and out through The Leg on the right side. Stick your left leg into the underwear through The Waist, and out through The Leg on the left side. It is important that you do not push both legs through the same Leg hole.

Now stand up. Clutching your underwear by The Waist, cinch the underwear upward toward your belly until you cannot pull them any higher. Congratulations! You are now Wearing Underwear!

(Please note that the above processes should be completed before you put on other clothing.)

Choosing Your Underwear
It is best to choose underwear that does not have another name on the waistband. There are a few exceptions to this rule. Any underwear bearing the name Sabrina Georgia is safe, as she does not wear her underwear. If you spot underwear bearing the name, Giles Gordon, this is extremely valuable, as there is a bounty on his underwear. Word on the street is that it is wanted for scientific testing. Please do not wear Giles Gordon underwear before selling it to the CIA as it may confuse their results.

Beyond that, there are millions of underwears available to you, and all are sold through the Atlantis High Clothing Catalogue (please make cheques out to Violet Profusion).

Sparkles are a nice touch on a pair of underwear, but, if you are wearing sparkles, it is important that you pull out the waist of your pants several times throughout the day to allow the sparkles to re-charge.

I am particularly fond of underwear with an electronic voice-box—you know, the kind that play the tinny electric Christmas Carols? However, after an incident in the bio labs, these are not to be worn on school premises. Violators will be prosecuted.

I do not recommend that anybody wear knit or wool underwear, they are just too distracting.

A popular choice for students is the day-of-the-week underwear. However, please note that you must buy seven different pairs of underwear, each bearing a different day. Otherwise, these underwears just do not function properly. When shopping for day-of-the-week underwear, look for pairs on which the day is printed upside-down, as otherwise you will be unable to check the day on your own underwear while in class.

Although girly underwear looks great on all three sexes, I would encourage you to look into various lines of men’s briefs. Men’s briefs, while often less attractive, have the great utility of coming with a free pocket, which is a great way to carry your money or lunch when you have no pockets on the rest of your clothing. When purchasing men’s briefs, please note that they ride lower on the hips and have tighter leg-holes. You will need a larger pair if it is to fit you properly.

Finally, for those men and women who require a brassierre, no school legislation has yet been passed to allow these back in our schools. I can offer the following solution:

Buy three matching pairs of underwear. Put on the first pair as instructed above. Now take the second pair and hold it above your head with The Back facing behind you, and The Front facing forward. Stick your head and your left arm through The Waist, and push your left arm out through The Leg on the left, and your head out through The Leg on the right.

Now take your third pair, and repeat as with the second, sticking your right arm out through The Leg on the right, and your head out through The Leg on the left.

There! Not only do you have an excuse to wear three luscious pairs of underwear, but you are able to match your tops and your bottoms. Is anyone luckier than you? Other than me, I mean?

Good luck!

(For those wishing to express their gratitude for my instruction, I accept donations in cash and underwear form. I wear a size 12!).

“Why hello there! Violet here to give out some direly needed advice on everything under the sun—including the stuff the sun doesn’t shine on. Today I’d like to have a very serious discussion about a very very verrrrrrrrrrrry serious issue. That’s right, I’m talking about the underwear issue of the Atlantis High Clothing Catalogue.

Many of you may recall the dark days of prohibition when innocent students were not allowed to wear or carry underwear to school with them. I would like to set the records straight on some ugly, disgusting rumours.

Many, including the editor of the Sunset Cove Herald, have called me a hypocrite after a series of inconsistencies in policy came to light. I would like to note, Mr. Montana, that I am in no way related to the mamalius hippopotamus, and your statements show quite clearly that you have been nowhere near my underwear chest. I happen to be a size 12, and I resent any statements to the contrary.

As for the origins of prohibitions, I can say without any qualms that I would never try to come between a child and their underwear.

You may recall a time not too long ago when clothing of any kind was banned from Atlantis High. This was a measure created by a group of concerned parents who were worried that their children were tanning unevenly and that their tan-lines might impede their absorption of Vitamin D and other important information fed to youth at school.

Now I won’t call the man an idiot, but I do think that our nation’s president was making a mistake when he overruled our ban on student clothing. It is clear that he did not have the interest of the children in mind, but that he was operating under the duress of special interest groups such as the Rebelz Clothing Manufacture Group and the Coalition to Eat More Bananas.

Now I suggested at the time that we simply ignore the president’s orders, but my suggestion was overlooked, due to a fear that there may be spies hidden in Sunset Cove. So we had no choice but to concede, and, regrettably, to re-clothe our impressionable young students.

At the time of the president’s folly, the ban on underwear seemed to some concerned parents to be a reasonable conciliatory measure that would allow the poor children to remain nekky in spirit, without risking lifelong imprisonment for a violation of ridiculous public decency laws.

I chose not to stand up against the parents, despite my desperate affinity to underwear. I can see only in retrospect that this was a mistake. Our little town is founded on individuality. In choosing to hide my true feelings, I was cheating Sunset Cove and Atlantis High out of my valuable opinion and expertise.

Additionally, I agreed to implement a rule to which I was morally opposed, and with which I could never comply.

I love underwear! Sometimes I wear 6 or 7 pairs at a time. So starved was I for underwear in a school full of wear-burners, that I used to make a daily 40 km trek to the underwear museum housed over in the Big Smoke. When they banned me from their premises after an incident with a thong and a buffalo, my underwear addiction really got out of hand.

And we all know where the story goes from there.

Luckily, it ended happily, and we all got to keep our scanties.

As an offering to appease the community I betrayed, I would like to give out a few free lessons in underwearology.

But that night in bed I had a dream that my face was falling off so the next morning I went out to the hospital again and took my frilliest nightie with me. I asked the doctors to match my eyelashes to the frills on my nightie and they did a fantastic job. The face-lift wasn’t so good though – I had to wear dark sunglasses for four and a half years to hide the bruising.

When the glasses came off, people thought I was a tall six year old and I couldn’t get served in the Wine Bar. So I had to counter balance the face-lift with ten tonnes of make-up just to survive in the adult world.
My next operation was on my lips. I had a beautiful pout anyway but when I saw a picture of Melena Andrea in the Vont magazine I decided I had to have lips like hers. I went back to the hospital with a new nightie and had some fat injected into my lips, Not any old ugly cow fat but the fat from my miniature poodle’s ears.

I woke up and looked in the mirror and was thrilled with what I saw – until I noticed that the mirror had a picture of Melena’s lips stuck onto it.

When I saw my real lips I screamed for at least seven hours and had to be sedated. My lips had white curly poodle fur on them and had turned black like my little doggie’s mouth!
I had to buy fourteen tonnes of Rummel lipstick in Vamp to hide my lips and had to shave three times a day. What a disaster!

My next op was to take fat off my thighs so I could fit into my friend’s daughter’s leather pants for a hot date. The liposuction left big bruises round my thighs and I had to wear a diver’s rescue suit for 2 years to stop the haemorrhaging.

I have had at least 10,000 little operations since the early days and the real truth to my beauty isn’t in surgery – it’s in a mask that the doctors had to create for me to hide all the disfigurements I had suffered through the years.

Some people say that you can become addicted to cosmetic surgery. Me, I say cosmetic surgery is a necessity – I am determined to get rid of the mask and get my real face back again. So, I’ve got to go – I’m running late for my nose job..

““Everyone I meet thinks that I am 21 years old but they would be surprised to learn my real age…”

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