Atlantis High Guides Archives - Page 25 of 30

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO PICNICS 1

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO PICNICS

“Picnics have always been a part of the Gordon family. In fact, it was the Gordon family who invented picnics…

One hot sultry summers afternoon my Great Great Great Great Grandma Pick, blinded by the sun rays that shone in through the closed window, sat down by the fire and wondered why she was so hot.

The bread that she had just baked and sliced had toasted itself in the heat of the kitchen. The peas that she had just shelled had boiled themselves in the pool of her sweat that had trickled onto the floor.

Pick wondered if perhaps she had turned menopausal for that was the only reason she knew of that women could feel so darn hot.

Wiping a bead of sweat from her hairy upper lip, Pick wondered aloud if this infernal heat would ever die down. Maybe when the menopause was over and done with?

A swift clip to the ear rattled Pick’s brain and made her sit up straight in the chair. Her mother Dennis (my namesake) muttered in disbelief. “My girl, you’re only 17 years old! The menopause is some 40 years away. The heat you be feeling is from the fire, from the sun and from not having any windows open!”

Dennis muttered many more things too when she found the toasted bread, the boiled peas and pools of sweat all over the floor but we won’t dwell on that part of the story.

Pick went outside and reveled in the cool breeze that hit her face. She ran around and pretended to be a nun on a mountaintop. She twirled her way up the lane and stood under the shade of a willow tree. What a joy, what a wonder to be outdoors and not feel that heat anymore…BAM!

Pick fell flat on her face, overcome by heat exhaustion.

She awoke some time later and looked around her in a daze. She knew that she had been shaken awake but she didn’t see anyone near her. She pinched herself, maybe she had just been dreaming.

When she sat up though she saw that there was a young man leaning against the tree eating a plum. She knew from the look on his face that he was a nice guy and meant no harm and when he eventually spoke she could tell that he wasn’t from around these parts.

GILES’ GUIDE TO BEING A GEEK 2

GILES’ GUIDE TO BEING A GEEK

The Basics

Ok. The shower? Not for the smart kids. Geeks are intelligent enough to know that the shower strips your body of essential oils and nutrients. Your hair isn’t healthy until you can maintain that robust still-wet look all the time!

Now, I’m not advocating that you never bathe. I’m just gently suggesting that your mother will throw you into the shower in disgust at just the right time. Like Norman Bates always said, “mummy knows best.”

Anyway, geeks adhere to the pheremone theory, and if you wash off all of your stink, how are the popular girls going to smell how much they like you.

Next.

Socks. Most of your body heat escapes through your ears and toes, so its socks, socks, socks all around! Socks are a valuable asset when disguising the blackened pallor of your unwashed feet. And when shopping for anything this important, it pays to know that bigger is always better.

Don’t let your small geekly stature fool you. You need the biggest socks of all. If they don’t climb halfway up your thighs when fully extended, they are not warm enough to protect you from the sweltering summer heat.

Pants and suspenders have already been covered above. Underwear. Well, I must say that I am not the expert in this department, but I’ve heard that the cheaper pairs tear more easily, and as we all know, lime green looks good on anyone.

Shirts present an interesting quandary. Typically, the best geeks have always worn the button down shirts that their mother bought for them five years ago. But for some strange reason, this look has been assimilated into a new social genre: geek sheik. Does the modern day choose to acknowledge his geekly roots and dress the part, or does he choose not to participate in modern geek fashion, not to sell out, not to allow everything special about the geek become flattened out to the norm?

As you can see, I’m quite passionate about this issue.

I prefer to go “geek casual.” This is a geeks euphemism for the fact that I still let my mom dress me. This is the peak of geekly goodness. I am geeko supremo! Do not steal my thunder.

Glasses. These are a very important part of the geek ensemble. Please note: you do not want your glasses to have the correct prescription, as this would eliminate your cause for squinting and craning your neck, thus creating a serious risk that your hidden good looks might find their way to the light of day. This is a geek no-no.

For those whose glasses have the correct prescription, a good trick is to break them. Breaking the lens is quite effective, but it is also possible to break the frame and tape it back together in such a way that the lenses do not sit right and thus no longer match your eyesight. Added bonus: as the lens remains in tact, meddling mothers will not insist that you need a new pair of glasses right away. This is the thinking man’s solution.

That’s all I have to say for today, as I still need to translate Homer’s Iliad from ancient Greek to modern Samarian.

One final note: why laugh when you can cackle?

Thank you. Now let the revolution commence!

Geekously yours,
Giles..

GILES’ GUIDE TO BEING A GEEK 1

GILES’ GUIDE TO BEING A GEEK

“Hi, I’m Giles Gordon – supposed “Geek” of Sunset Cove and the world. Here’s my guide to being the ultimate geek…

Geektitude…

Hello! Giles here! Have you ever noticed how perfectly your name rhymes with beguiles? Or made muscular diagrams to explain why your mother’s nose wiggles when she shouts at you? Perhaps you have trained your voice perfectly to crack only when making public speeches and proclamations of servitude to girls named Octavia. No? Aww, come on! I’m trying to show you how you how very similar we are!

Alright! Well….whether you admit it or not, hidden deep inside of you, screaming and asthmatically panting to get out, is a little critter I like to call “your inner geek.”

Inner Geek is a hearty fellow. He may be a scrawny weakling, but he’s a strong little guy, with narrow buns of steel and a mouth to match. Just when you think you’ve got him under control, he overtakes you, and, before you can say ‘ailurophilia,’ Inner Geek forces you to mention complex number theory on your first date with that blond girl from the volleyball team.

What can you do to fight the little freak?

No, no, you’re not getting the point. What I’m trying to teach you is that you don’t have to chase momentum to keep up with it. The point is Go With the Flow. The point is Let Inner Geek See the Light of Day—drown the pale loner in sunlight. –No! Don’t drown him! Embrace him! That’s right. Love your geek. (For he loves you.)

Ok. That’s settled.

Now, troops! I want to see you on your best behaviour. Pimples, RISE! Bronze skin, FADE! Don your high-water pants, strap on some suspenders, tape those old glasses back together and make for the streets. We’re about to start a geeky revolution.

In the spirit of age-old geekitude, our revolution will not be spontaneous, but rather a re-enactment of a revolution we’ve read of in too many not-for-school books. Re-enactments are cool when you’re a geek.
Your mission is to be your geek at its best. Show those snobby cool kids that geek is the new pink.

ANTONIA’S GUIDE TO SPLIT PERSONALITIES 2

ANTONIA’S GUIDE TO SPLIT PERSONALITIES

We have something special, have grown up in mutual adoration. He might deny that love is what he feels for me, but Antony could never say that he doesn’t feel something, something profound. This is playground love at its finest.

It’s like the myth of Hedwig; we belong together, we were once one and the same, until some ancient god split us apart. And all we need is to be together, and we’re whole again. You understand this right? You complete me!

Whatever.

For those of you out there who might be looking for a happiness and love as fine as mine, here’s what you need to know.

1st: Get a mirror.
It is important that this mirror be intact, as searching for your other half in shattered glass can be a harrowing experience indeed. Which of those beautiful faces peering back from the shards do you pick? How do you know he’s right for you, and you for him? It’s like visiting the dog pound. You want to bring them all home, but you can’t…..so you walk away empty-handed. I always wanted a dog.

2nd: Look past your reflection.
While it may be tempting to date yourself, this is a really bad idea. All of your good traits are magnified, and all of your faults are squared. I’ve always been too chicken to make any moves, and have never been the one to ask someone out, or break up with anyone.

One time, when Antony and I were on the outs, I developed a bit of a crush on myself. The problem was, neither me nor I had the nerve to ask myself out. Finally, Jet did it for us. But…..after a while, I got sick of me, but neither me nor I was going to be the one to break my heart. So we drifted apart, and I guess I’m not dating me anymore, but technically, we never managed to break up. You see how messy this gets?

…..Somewhere, behind that glass, you will find your other half. This may take work. You may be forced to wait a long time, sitting, without food, or drink, or sleep, until they finally appear. Think of it as a sitting sojourn, a bedroom vision quest. I should warn you not to be looking for Antony. Your other half will look different from mine; unfortunately then, you will miss out on the devastating good looks I have been blessed to possess.

3rd: Do not touch the glass.
You will not manage in this fashion to hold the hand of your one true love. You will only smear the glass between you, making it more difficult to see your love.

Likewise, do not break the glass. While it may be tempting to punch through the barrier between you, you will only end up hurting your love, accidentally slamming your fist through the core of them, tearing a hole through their body with surprising strength. This is very difficult to repair, and may scar you both for life.

4th: Absolutely no sharing!
I made the mistake of inviting Antony through the looking glass, and he’s so excited to explore this new world, that he is quite aloof to me. He has known me his whole life, and is more keen to see new things, meet new people.

It’s quite distressing. I thought that when he came through he’d stay by my side, but of course I was being silly, and confusing this with that time when I dated myself. He’s independent, aloof. So much so that we’re never seen together. And that hurts.

It really hurts.

Still, I know that deep down, he really loves me, and he will come back to me. How can he not?
Love is staying patient while you wait alone by the mirror.

Well, gotta split! Seeya!

ANTONIA’S GUIDE TO SPLIT PERSONALITIES 1

ANTONIA’S GUIDE TO SPLIT PERSONALITIES

“Hello, my name is Antonia, and I am addicted to my opposite.

When I was a girl, I, like many small children with nothing better to do, was addicted to “Alice and Wonderland.”

I found myself in many a timeout after innocently enacting my favourite moments, for example giving my pet rabbit an old stopwatch, which was apparently a family heirloom, whatever that means.

Then there was the time when I stole my mothers red nail-polish and painted our neighbors’ rose-bush. I think my parents were less upset about what the neighbors might come to think than they were about the sinister looking handprints I left on our walls and carpet when I came inside.

I think my father was ready to draw the line after I brought a herd of baby ducks into the living room and ran around trying to honk them like horns—but my mother intervened. She told my father that the disarray in our household would not be settled by sending his 6-year-old to Scandinavian military school, but that the problem was with the cartoons I was watching.

I just did not have a realistic understanding of the world because, in the cartoons I loved so deeply, anything was possible.

But I strongly refused to give up my Alice. After all, she was the love of my young life.

My mother tried to solve the problem by buying “Alice,” a Czech live-action version of ‘Alice and Wonderland.’ However, after an embarrassing incident involving a taxidermist, a chainsaw, and three armed policemen, my mother pushed that tape down the in-sink garbage disposal.

It seemed that we had reached an empass, until a new movie came out, one that was live action, but didn’t involve freaky puppetry and excessive use of sawdust. This was “Alice through the Looking Glass.” And it was marvelous.

After that, my parents found me much easier to handle, as I would sit for hours staring into the mirror. They could use the mirror as a babysitter, in the same way that many parents could use the TV, and they were able to leave me alone with my mirror for days, nearly a week at a time, at which point someone would have to tear me away to feed me and bathe me.

Inside that gorgeous piece of glass, I found my other half.

Look, I don’t know what she’s talking about. I certainly never lived in no mirror. And those hand-prints she’s talking about? They ain’t nail-polish. They’re stains from when I got in a fist-fight with Antonia’s dog. I don’t have a dog, Antony. Whatever. Look, the point is, all of this other half, destiny stuff, it ain’t true. You’re cute, babe. We’ve had some good times, that’s all. The thing about Antony is that he has a hard time expressing his feelings. He needs to be macho, needs to feel tough, doesn’t like to say he’s in love, but he is.

We’ve watched each other from the day we first laid eyes on each other. It’s a quiet sort of love, nearly unspoken; we’ve never even touched each other, not so much as a brush as we moved past each other. But there’s a special sort of push-pull between us, a certain balance of dark and light, menace and affection, male and female, yin and yang.

It hurts sometimes to hear him say he doesn’t love me, but I have to support his choice; if he acted just like me all the time, I might as well fall in love with myself, right?

Still, I can feel it. We were made to be together. I like the way she does her hair.