Atlantis High Guides Archives - Page 26 of 30

OCTAVIA’S GUIDE TO SPY NOVELS 2

OCTAVIA’S GUIDE TO SPY NOVELS

This is what he told me from his vast and amazing knowledge of spies…

Spies are normal people who are not normal. They know how to think differently and they know how to speak several languages. They are usually tall and handsome and wear tuxedoes but sometimes they can be tall and handsome and wear ski suits. They like to run a lot and they are good at driving fast cars. They are good at finding out things about people and they can keep a secret if they want to.

Mr Bond didn’t get to tell me anything about actual spy novels because he was jumped on and dragged away at that stage by several men in black balaclavas. That I’m afraid, is one of the downsides of being a spy – you can rarely get to finish a conversation.

Spy novels are fantastic and very helpful. I learned to speak Spy Talk from them and also how to drink a martini. I recommend that you start reading soon and maybe you too can begin to talk the language of spies.

And on that note, I will leave you with this – The quick brown mole jumped in the hole.

TOP TEN SPY NOVELS TIPS

1. All good spy books must have a cover that tells you something. A title is really helpful or you won’t know what it is you’re reading. I find ones that have a picture on are really good as well.

2. The name of the spy is really important. Anything with James or Bond in it is usually a good sign.

3. Read the book from front to back and you will enjoy the story.

4. Use a magnifying glass to read the story and you will enjoy the story even more.

5. Wear a black suit and a microphone headset and you will enjoy the story even more.

6. Reading in the dark is a good thing because it makes you feel like a spy, particularly if you are wearing night vision goggles at the time.

7. Teach yourself to read between the lines and you might just discover a real spy secret – The Eagle Has Put The Easter Egg In the Nest is not just a phrase that spies use, it actually means something.

8. Turn the page so that you can get to the next one.

9. When you have finished the book, it’s the end.

10. If you are reading a book where they tell you to mix one cup of sugar with a cup of flour then you are probably not reading a spy book – unless it’s a very clever one…

OCTAVIA’S GUIDE TO SPY NOVELS Part 1

OCTAVIA’S GUIDE TO SPY NOVELS

“I grew up in a military household and believe I am the product of DNA testing at a secret base in the mountains behind Sunset Cove. I am not exactly the Bionic Woman – but I am pretty close…”

I am a genius and everyone knows it. I was born believing in myself and I could understand everything that people said – apart from that silly baby talk that people feel they have to do. Although I knew how to speak back I had an instinct to keep this talent to myself and practised my language skills when I was alone in my crib.

When I was old enough to walk I would creep out of the nursery and raid my father’s bookshelves. I would sit up for hours reading and taking in all the facts, figures and statistics that were encrypted in the words and lines of his novels.

My mother was always telling my father off for leaving his books in my room. He was baffled and thought maybe he had been sleepwalking. But there was no other explanation as to how a 6 month old baby could get out of her crib, walk downstairs and bring an adult armful of books back with her … was there?!

When I was 5 I became slightly bored of learning languages and military codes and came across a spy novel that my mother had bought for my Grandma. I pounced on it as the cover looked so intriguing. The guy on the cover looked like the man that had been following my father for as long as I could remember.

Mom had to let me have the book for fear that I would throw a huge tantrum and give her a headache and I gleefully carried it away to my room and read it all in one go, not even stopping to watch New News or Politics Today Tonight Tomorrow.

After that first novel I was unstoppable and couldn’t get my hands on enough of these books. It all made sense to me and it felt as if I was reading about myself.

The books taught me some new skills but mostly they took me away from my thoughts and to a place in my head that I liked to be. I think I was designed to be a spy, that it was a calling for me, my destiny. And of course, I am one now. And I write my own books about my experiences.

In my search for the best of the best of spy novels I went to our local second hand store for spies and talked to Bond, Michael Bond. At the age of 107, Michael is the ultimate spymaster and knows everything there is to know about spies.

VITA’S GUIDE TO TYPING 2

VITA’S GUIDE TO TYPING

That is another annoying thing about these machines but Mr.Scrimpy would attack the electric typewriter Don got me so we had to get rid of it.

I can type very very fast and I don’t even count the words I can do in a minute because I am so very fast. But I do know that I can type up a report card faster than a printer can print it out. So you see that I am well trained to be able to teach the students how to do this typing thing.

I like to teach the kids sometimes but it has to be when I am ready because those stupid kids can make me feel like going home. One of them didn’t know that you had to hit the keys to make the letters and just stared at the machine thinking he could make it work with his brain.

One kid thought the machine was a dating agency and tried to get it to find him a girlfriend.

Vita’s Top Ten Tips for choosing a typing teacher

1. Make sure that they are not dead
2. Make sure that they have fingers
3. Make sure that they can type
4. Make sure they know the alphabet
5. Make sure you have a typewriter
6. A good teacher can teach you to type with your toes
7. Look at the teachers nails – if they are not clean then do not choose them, they are not hygienic
8. Latino typists are the best because they like to dance and rhythm is important for typing
9. A good teacher will like to eat apples
10. If a teacher can balance a paper airplane on their nose and type faster than a concert pianist then you have found me

And one kid thought that it was a time traveller and she tried to go back to Ancient Greece in it to see if Atlantis was there.

But some of the kids are okay and know what to do and one of them even managed to type a letter of complaint to Violet. This kid complained that I had no teaching skills and that her poltergeist could do a better job but I didn’t mine. At least she knew what the machine was for.

So, computers are okay and they have their uses but I do not like to touch a mouse whether it is dead or alive or plastic so I use my typewriter.

VITA’S GUIDE TO TYPING 1

VITA’S GUIDE TO TYPING

“Hi, I’m Vita and this is my guide to Typing.

I hate it. It ruins my nails and makes my eyes go all squiggly. But I am good at it and I will teach you how it is best to do this thing they call typing.

PAPER, INK, KEYS…

Look at your desk. Do you have a typewriter there? No? Do you have a keyboard then? You must have something on your desk or you would not be interested in typing at all.

Okay then, whatever you use is okay with me. Whatever. It’s your choice. But it isn’t the same if you use a pencil – that is called writing.

Typing on a typewriter involves a great deal of skill. These machines are old and stupid and they make noises that give me a headache. But they are what my Mama used and what her Mama used and they are what I use.

Computers are okay and keyboards can be nice but I want to talk about typewriters first.

So, sit down and keep a straight back. Look at the typewriter and look at the letters on it. These are called keys. I don’t know why because they do not unlock anything but there you go, another stupid English word…

You have to put your fingers on the keys in a certain way and hit the keys to make a print on the paper. This is called typing.

Touch typing is when you can touch your nose when you hit the keys and I can do that very well. In fact, I can type with one hand and manicure my nails with my teeth.

Violet can only type with two fingers and even then she gets ink all over the place and it is up to me, Vita to clean the stupid desk. That is not why I am here and I think that it is slave labour to make me do these things but if it stops Violet from squawking in my ear then that is good because she gives me more of a headache than the typewriter does.

Typing is handy because it means that you don’t have to write anything, only if you want to sign your name at the end of the letter.

The paper goes in at the top and when you get to the end you have to use another piece of paper.

The ink makes the letters and when the ink is run out you have to put more ink in.

There is a bell that makes a noise when you get to the end of a line and that bell makes my budgie Mr Scrimpy flap his wings and say “I told you so.”

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO COSMETIC SURGERY Part 2

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO COSMETIC SURGERY

But that night in bed I had a dream that my face was falling off so the next morning I went out to the hospital again and took my frilliest nightie with me. I asked the doctors to match my eyelashes to the frills on my nightie and they did a fantastic job. The face-lift wasn’t so good though – I had to wear dark sunglasses for four and a half years to hide the bruising.

When the glasses came off, people thought I was a tall six year old and I couldn’t get served in the Wine Bar. So I had to counter balance the face-lift with ten tonnes of make-up just to survive in the adult world.
My next operation was on my lips. I had a beautiful pout anyway but when I saw a picture of Melena Andrea in the Vont magazine I decided I had to have lips like hers. I went back to the hospital with a new nightie and had some fat injected into my lips, Not any old ugly cow fat but the fat from my miniature poodle’s ears.

Ten top tips for cosmetic surgery

Always take your own nightie to the hospital
Make sure they stick your nose on properly – mine has fallen off five times this week
Buy the biggest, darkest glasses you can and pretend you’re a movie star for a few months until the bruising goes away
Teach yourself that pain is your friend
Don’t visit Dr.Machari on Sunset Cove Road
Ask to see that the surgeon has washed his hands
Don’t let the surgeon have a nap half way through your operation
Enjoy tying your shoelaces while you can – after you’ve had a tummy tuck you won’t be able to bend over for at least a decade
Carry a spare bag and mask with you in case your nose falls off
Don’t stand in the sun for more than 3 minutes in case your face melts

I woke up and looked in the mirror and was thrilled with what I saw – until I noticed that the mirror had a picture of Melena’s lips stuck onto it.

When I saw my real lips I screamed for at least seven hours and had to be sedated. My lips had white curly poodle fur on them and had turned black like my little doggie’s mouth!
I had to buy fourteen tonnes of Rummel lipstick in Vamp to hide my lips and had to shave three times a day. What a disaster!

My next op was to take fat off my thighs so I could fit into my friend’s daughter’s leather pants for a hot date. The liposuction left big bruises round my thighs and I had to wear a diver’s rescue suit for 2 years to stop the haemorrhaging.

I have had at least 10,000 little operations since the early days and the real truth to my beauty isn’t in surgery – it’s in a mask that the doctors had to create for me to hide all the disfigurements I had suffered through the years.

Some people say that you can become addicted to cosmetic surgery. Me, I say cosmetic surgery is a necessity – I am determined to get rid of the mask and get my real face back again. So, I’ve got to go – I’m running late for my nose job..