Atlantis High Guides Archives - Page 29 of 30

GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TELEVISION 2

GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TELEVISION

Top 5 TV Shows

1. Ssssh – The Library

2. Simply Sophie

3. Survivor – Traffic Island

4. Sunset Cove Watch

5. The Apprentice Hairdresser

My Television Appearances

I have to confess that I’m a television junky and love to watch the reality shows and the talk shows.

I got myself on Simply Sophie once by telling all the news networks that Giles was an alien. I always thought there was something strange about him and then he was hanging out with that weird Octavia girl which just put the wind up me.

My 15 minutes of fame was over in less than a minute. After I’d been into make-up and they’d put far too much on I went to wardrobe where they put me in a nice Grandpa sweater which suited me fine. Then I got the call that I was to go on stage. I was so excited I nearly lost all control of my bladder – which isn’t hard at my age.

They asked me a couple of questions about Giles’ odd behaviour and his relationship with Miss Vermont and then they went to a commercial break and chucked me off the stage. It was great while it lasted and I’d set my tv at home to record it so I’ve been watching it over and over again for the past year.

I might try my luck and try and get another appearance but first I’ll have to think up something they’ll want to see me about. Maybe I could set a world record for the number of hours watching tv…

My only other appearance was when I was a feature on the news. I’d been out on my bike and it broke down in the middle of nowhere. I was then chased by a dog down the street who ripped off all my clothes so I tried to scale a power pole. I ended up hanging from the power pole, naked, caught in the wires getting electric shocks and couldn’t get down. Apparently I caused power outtages to half the city and they showed the piece on the news warning people not to climb power poles.

Anyway it’s time to get back to Nature Watch. Enjoy your television watching!

GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TELEVISION 1

GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TELEVISION

“When I was a young lad we didn’t have television so now I make up for lost time and watch it as much as I can. There’s a lot to be learnt from watching a box.”

Top Ten Tips for watching TV

1. Always have popcorn

2. Make sure your couch is comfy

3. Try turning the sound off and watching it mute.

4. Change the language and feel like you’re in another country.

5. Take the phone off the hook and bolt your door so no one can interrupt you.

6. Have a portable tv that you can take with you to the shower.

7. Watch it upside down – it will give you a new perspective

8. Phone in to all the live shows and make a nuisance of yourself

9. Don’t let anyone tell you you watch too much tv – they’re only jealous.

10. Try and get yourself on a talk show – you might regret it but will laugh it off after a few months.

Television is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get. There’s such a variety of programs that it’s sometimes really hard to even know which one to watch! Here’s some of my favourites.

Nature watch – there’s this fascinating program that follows the lives of animals and insects around the world. My favourite episode was one on ants. It put things in perspective for me. We’re all ants in a big big world and I just sat there for hours watching them scuttle along.

Freeze TV – There’s not much to this one but it satisfies my need to sleep between programs. It’s a program that films the movement of a glacier. A glacier can sometimes only move 1 foot a year so when this program is on I force myself not to watch it and take a well earned nap. If there was no Freeze TV then it’s quite possible I would never take a break from TV. So thankyou Freeze TV.

Sunset Cove Watch – This is the greatest one yet. There are security camera’s all over Sunset Cove and this channel lets you tune in and watch them. I find people in Sunset Cove are always up to something especially because they’re so WEIRD! The other day I saw a guy walking down the street on his hands who then choked on his bubble gum and another time I saw Silver Lining and Bad Mood having a huge argument in the playground over who got the best swing.

TV Addiction

Some people say they are addicted to tv but I don’t think that’s fair. You should be able to watch as much tv as you like without being typecast with a problem. I sit in my armchair and pull my cover over me when I finish for the night – I don’t sleep in a bed because then I’d have to get up to watch tv and tv should be a relaxing enjoyable experience so why ever leave? I mean you can even do your shopping on tv!

I’ve managed to program my brain to wake me up everytime my favourite shows are on. I’ve also got the latest in plasma technology and my tv does all the thinking for me. I can program it to change channels and book shows. There’s this new tv tha’ts just come on the market that can make tv dinners, find you a mate with onscreen dating and even has a foldout bed. I’m thinking seriously about saving up the $10,000 to get one.

I really think I love tv. I don’t know what I’d do without it. It’s like a long lasting, meaningful relationship. You would never think of breaking it off or calling it quits.

GILES’ GUIDE TO ACTING INSANE 2

GILES’ GUIDE TO ACTING INSANE

The pink guy at the diner is pretty weird. He wears a pink wig, speaks with his teeth gritted together and has expressions on his face that make me think he’s always smelling the worst smell in the world. Where do they find these people?

I’m insane?

Yeah so I’m not the same as everyone else here in Atlantis High and I actually feel like the only “normal” one. But is that what everyone else thinks about themselves as well? I mean don’t we all consider ourselves “normal” and everyone else is different?

Top 10 Tips on making people think you’re insane – cont…

6. Keep a mouldy piece of cheese as your best friend and make sure you take him everywhere.

7. Don’t ever shower – make sure you smell as rancid as possible.

8. Dribble always

9. Cuddle every dog in the street if you can – they’ll make you smell even better

10. Look at everyone sideways – never make eye contact directly.

Jet considers herself completely normal but who else would need pentosodiumtriphosphate just to keep their temperament normal. She thinks a little oddly sometimes and is convinced there is a conspiracy behind absolutely everything – now isn’t that irrational? Are there voices in her head telling her this stuff?

Because I’ve heard that a lot of insane people are often confused with schizophrenics. These people often have more than one personality and can argue with themselves, hear voices and generally without medication their situation gets worse.

Antonia and Antony could be a perfect example of somesort of personality disorder. I mean really they have to be one in the same and why would someone go to all that trouble to pretend to be two people?

Wow – there really are some strange people around here.

Anyway the old man down the street has stopped his bike in front of my house so I had better go and make sure all my doors are locked.

I’ll see you soon – unless you see me first.

GILES’ GUIDE TO ACTING INSANE Part 1

GILES’ GUIDE TO ACTING INSANE

“Since moving to Sunset Cove I’ve seen many insane people. I think I have a good overall knowledge of what defines such a person. Here’s my guide to some of the crazies in Sunset Cove”

Top 10 Tips on making people think you’re insane

1. Scratch your arms like you’re covered in fleas and let out an ear piercing scream every so often.

2. Drive your car in reverse everywhere you go.

3. Run down the street naked once a week.

4. Learn to master a twitch in your face.

5. Let out a high pitched mwahhahaa laugh at everyone you see.

continued over page…

So, most people in Sunset Cove are pretty weird. There’s people that walk down the street in Scuba gear, nuns that sing and dance in the street, men that dress as women and all sorts of other weirdness that you may not expect to see in your own city.

There’s something not right about the old man that lives down our street. He will walk to his letterbox about 20 times a day and sing into it. But that’s not all. You can catch him riding his bicycle down the street and he’s absolutely butt naked! He’ll wave out with a big hello and all you can do is smile and wave back and hope he hasn’t seen the horror on your face. I guess these things you just come to accept – there’s always one in each street isn’t there?

You have to treat these people with respect, partly because you don’t know what they might do to you if you don’t, but also because each of us has a weird side and some just have a whole weird side more than us.

The Sunset Cove Asylum

A special asylum was set up in Sunset Cove a few years ago. Everyone who lives there wears a straight-jacket. They all live fairly normal lives and are free to come and go with a caregiver. They wear their straight-jackets around town so they’re easily spotted and each one wears a sign on their back saying “Kick me and I’ll eat your liver”

You know to stare clear of them and keep eye contact to a minimum. They remind me of Lector from Silence of the Lambs and usually after I’ve seen on in town I’ll have a nightmare that night and wake up screaming. Sometimes because of that, my mother thinks I’m insane myself.

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO KNITTING 2

GRAMPA’S GUIDE TO KNITTING

Giles my guinea pig

I have often used Giles as my model. I made him a lovely pair of pink mufflers to keep his ears warm during winter back home. Of course it didn’t matter that they were pink as Giles has always been a geek at school anyway so he didn’t really get hassled any more than usual.

For his 13th birthday I gave him my 1st prize winning pair of adult booties. Lovely blue woollen booties with little blue bows. Giles told me they were so special that he couldn’t possibly wear them and so he hung them on his wall instead. I actually think he was really proud of my work.

Dropping stitches

Clack clack clickety clack. I love the sound of knitting! But one sound I really hate is the sound of dropping a stitch. Actually it doesn’t make a sound but my cursing sure does. If you don’t pick it up early enough you might have to unravel rows and rows before you get to the row where you made the mistake. Actually sometimes I get carried away and unravel the whole thing until there’s a huge pile of curly wool on the floor. Then I jump on it like a kid… and… that’s probably quite enough information.

Spinning my own wool

I’m pretty good at spinning a yarn but I’m even better at spinning my own wool. When I was young I used to go to the markets to track down an old man that sold Angora goats. I’d take one home much to the despair of my mother. They were right little characters and used to chew my clothes and anything on the washing line! But they produced the most beautiful mohair wool. Sometimes I thought I might need a lawn-mohair to get it off their backs – get it?? Never mind, I can’t spin jokes.

One of my greatest accomplishments was a woollen cake. I knitted the whole thing in a day and lined it in cardboard. It was the perfect plan to getting Giles out of jail. Giles isn’t a bad boy mind you – just a little strange. I think he really needs a hobby to keep him out of trouble. He might even be interest in knitting. think I’ll have a word to him – man to man.