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DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO CLEANING 1

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO CLEANING

Dorothy’s Guide to Cleaning
“I am Dorothy and I am a cleaner. ‘Nuff said.”

GLEAM CLEAN

I have tried a lot of cleaning products in my time and people often ask me what I use to make the wood shine in the Vermont’s home. I find that chicken fat works really well and if you rub it in hard enough you can’t even smell it – unless the sun is shining (which it often does in Sunset Cove) and then you just tell people that you have been roasting a chicken. This can have it’s downside though because then the said person who noticed the smell will want to stay for dinner and then you actually do have to create a roast dinner with all the trimmings.

WHERE TO START
I always start at the top of the house so that the dust can work its way downstairs and then I can trap it easily. I chase it with a net and sweep millions of the little dust particles up in one swell swoop. I then sell the dust mites to Don who makes pillows out of them – he always likes to sneeze when he sleeps. He says it gives him good dreams.

It is really important to tie your hair up as you clean so that you don’t miss anything. I once had a long fringe hanging in my eyes and I managed to miss an important stain on the bathroom floor, which was bad news for Commander Vermont who slipped on it and broke his medal.

Five ways to use a duster

Wave it around your head like a helicopter blade
Wear it like a mask and pretend to be Zorro
Put it behind your ear and use it like headphones
Pretend it’s a cigar and that you are the father of a new baby
Use it as a false arm and scare the neighbours when they call around.

I also like to carry a duster around with me because I like to tickle my armpits whenever I get tired. A feather duster is best, not the new acrylic ones – they don’t tend to give as good a tickle as feathers.

A vacuum cleaner is an important part of a cleaners equipment and even though I’m not sure how to use mine I carry it with me, strapped to my back so that I look important and kind of like that lady in the Alien movies. I creep round the corner and aim my nozzle at the mirror- KBAM! One time Commander Vermont got all excited because he thought that I had actually seen an alien and he spent the rest of the month staking out the attic in case the slimy green beasts showed themselves again.

JOSH’S GUIDE TO POOL PARTIES 2

JOSH’S GUIDE TO POOL PARTIES

Number 4 – Create the right atmosphere
I like to make it like I am in a grotto and I make sure that there are lots of twinkling lights in the trees and torches along the side of the path so that people can always see my good looks.

I make sure that there is just the right amount of fluffy towels on the loungers and that there is some good food around that won’t make crumbs in the pool. Things like toffee apples are always good ‘cause if they fall in then you can just play bob for apples. Bob doesn’t always like to swim round clearing up the sticky apples but that’s the only reason he’s invited.

Number 5 – The right kind of music for a party
Forget the Beach Boys – we’re not on the beach now. I hire a DJ and get him to spin tunes like the Chicken Dance and AgADooDooDoo. Another great song for a pool party is Bat out of Hell.

Number 6 – Games
When everyone has arrived and you are ready to start the party always play the game of Find the flip-flop. This is the most fun game ever invented ‘cause everyone forgets that they are wearing flip-flops and they take hours to try and find one which gives me just enough time to nip back upstairs and make sure that I look groovy for all the babes.

Another great game that I have never seen at another pool party is to grab the nerdiest guy there and throw him into the pool. I don’t know why that has never caught on.

So if you follow my 6-point plan you will have yourself a fantastic party. But hey, I forgot the most important thing – you have to invite me or your party will never be a success.

JOSH’S GUIDE TO POOL PARTIES 1

JOSH’S GUIDE TO POOL PARTIES

“Everyone knows my family has the biggest pool in Sunset Cove and we have had more than our fair share of parties. Here are some of the Montana family secrets to throwing the pool party of your lifetime.”

Number 1 – Make sure that you have a pool
This is so good it’s bad. I went to a pool party one time and the poor deluded girl didn’t even have a pool. She thought that she could just buy one of those blow up plastic kiddy pools and that would do. It was okay for a while but the water wasn’t heated and by the time I had done a lap I had chilled my toes so badly that I had to sit on a hot water bottle for three and a half days.

There were a lot of people there and several got crushed and badly bruised when a diving competition was held.

The girl is now in therapy (and traction) and is not expected to make a full recovery. Still, she managed to get a doctor to fall in love with her and he is now going to build her an Olympic sized pool so that she can have a real party.

Number 2 – Invite the right people
I always think long and hard before I get Jeeves to write the invites to one of my pool parties. There have got to be the right number of babes there who know how to fill a swimsuit and I never ever invite any geeks to my parties. They would just make me want to vomit into the pool if they showed their knobbly knees in their underdaks and that would sure spoil the fun.

Coach Shane is a sure bet for coming along to the party. He can do the best synchronized swimming I have ever seen and that always gives me the chance to watch the babes join in and I love it when they wear those little pegs on their noses. It reminds me of my nanny when she used to change my diapers.

Number 3 – The Pool
Of course my family have the best pool in the world for pool parties. It’s really classy. It is big and heart shaped with a diamante mosaic at the bottom of our family portrait. All around the pool are pink tiles that glow fluorescent in the dark and the pool itself is always at least 30 degrees warm.

We have a waterfall the size of Niagara at the end of the pool and there are so many blow up fish floats in the pool that some people think they have walked into an aquarium.

We make sure that the pool is skimmed every day by Sven the Skimmer and it looks so clean that you can’t help but dive right in off the championship diving board.

There are mirrored tiles all around the edge of the pool so that whether you are out of the water or under the water you can see yourself and check out your form.

JOSH’S GUIDE TO A HOLDUP 2

JOSH’S GUIDE TO A HOLDUP

Giving Evidence

If you’re lucky enough to survive the holdup with no frost bite from the frozen chicken then you may be called as a witness.

Five things to remember when in Court

Don’t cross your fingers when you’re swearing your oath – that’s just not truthful
Don’t swear or you’ll be in contempt of court
Wear your best outfit – you could end up in the press!
Make sure you get your story straight – don’t want to end up incriminating yourself or an innocent party.
Don’t laugh at the judge. Judges are very straight faced and the faintest bit of giggling will not be tolerated

I’ve been a witness a number of times. It’s really quite a thrilling experience. You’re all high and mighty and important and someone’s fate could rest in your hands – now how’s that for power!!

Tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. In a court of law you have to abide by their rules and this includes telling nothing but the truth.

Often after a trial I get swamped with fans wanting my autograph but in a court you must behave appropriately so I always say “no comment”..

JOSH’S GUIDE TO A HOLDUP 1

JOSH’S GUIDE TO A HOLDUP

I’m Josh Montana undercover superhero in Sunset Cove. The Silver Lining has been called to a number of holdups so here’s my guide to surviving a holdup…

When first called out to a holdup situation I make sure I’ve got all the necessary equipment.

Firstly a watergun. – these can come in very handy for catching the thief off guard. Fill it with a solution of water and dishwashing liquid to give that extra bite. If you happen to have an aim like a snake then getting this in the person’s eyes is a sure way for them to drop their weapon and scream like a girl.

Secondly a frozen chicken – In my time I’ve come across people using these as weapons to hold up shops. I’ve always thought of the philosophy, fight fire with fire, so, why not fight chicken with chicken. Catching a thief at their own game can be very amusing and they can become quite stuck for words. Make sure you have a big one.

Thirdly some banana peels – I eat bananas every day to keep up my superhuman abilities so keeping the skins is no problem. When a thief tries to make a quick getaway I’ve always lined the exit to the shop with a good supply of peels. Any thief thinking he can get away will end up on his bum!

Finally my trusty pink crime fighting gear – If you’re a superhero you’re expected to wear the coolest outfits. Pink is THE colour this season so my bright pink bodysuit along with my designer black shorts are ideal. I never fail to get comments about it. And best of all, most thieves have to do a double take when they see me. This gives me a split second to pounce on them and tie them in a knot before the local authorities arrive.

What should you do?
If you’re caught in a holdup situation you should always check to see if you can get outside help.

Firstly, programme the Silver Llinings number into your mobile phone quickdial settings. This way you only have to press one button and you know the Silver Lining will be there.

Secondly seek a good hiding place in the store – in the freezer is a good place, no ones likely to look there – BUT make sure you don’t lock yourself in or you may end up looking like a frozen chicken!

Do as they say – It may be tempting to be a superhero yourself but if someone’s threatening you with a frozen chicken you better do what they say! Stay calm, chew some gum and wait for the Silver Lining to arrive because no doubt the Silver Lining will always be first to the rescue, a huh!

Offer them some food – Don’t forget that this thief may just be hungry and irritated and that’s what all this fuss is about in the first place. If you’re smart you carry everlasting gobstoppers and thus the theif will have their mouth full for hours and won’t be able to get a word in at all. The Silver Lining sells everlasting gobstoppers at 20cents each. Please phone the Silver Lining hotline for more information.