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KISSINGER’S GUIDE TO BEING A DOG 1

KISSINGER’S GUIDE TO BEING A DOG

I’m soft, cuddly and cute and I live with the Vermont’s in Sunset Cove. I’ve been a dog all my life – here’s my guide to being a dog.

What it means to be a dog

Dog’s are man’s best friend. And why not? We are always dedicated to our owners and are happy to run around doing doggy things for them like fetching the newspaper or even the smelly slippers. We are pack animals and all we want is companionship and a loving home.

Doggy past times

Sniffing – There’s nothing quite like a smell. It wafts through the air and teases your nostrils. It sends signals to the brain that excite you and you just have to keep sniffing until you’ve satisfied the urge. Trees, lamposts, gates, fire hydrants are all good places for smells. These smells are often left by other dogs and are especially interesting. Smelling humans in certain places is not advised as it can make them very uncomfortable.

Digging – Sometimes we dig because we know we’ve hidden a bone and other times we dig just because we feel like it! We especially like to dig when we’ve been fenced in – there’s only one way out and that’s down and out! Make sure you dig up your owners garden once every now and again – it reminds them that you’re bored and they’ll buy you new toys.

Playing Fetch – How cool is this game? Most dogs love to play fetch especially if they’ve been trained properly to do it. Dogs always love a chase and a challenge and it’s part of our animal behaviour to chase food and bring it back to our family. What’s really funny is when we run off with the stick and our owners chase us all over the park – it’s classic!

Swimming – A nice hot day and your human takes you down to the beach or the river – bliss! You jump in and get totally sodden and then you run back to your human and give a good shake soaking them in the process. They love it, really!

Begging – You must have heard of the term puppy dog eyes – we dogs made it famous. We can put on the saddest little face when we want something and it’s extremely hard to refuse for any human. When we can smell that freshly pan fried steak on your plate how do you expect us to eat dog food? Begging is the best way to get a little of what we really want.

Some famous pooches

Lassie
Toto from The Wizard of Oz
101 Dalmatians
Snoopy
Rin Tin Tin
Pluto

Marking Territory

Dogs are very territorial and there’s just nothing that can be done about it – it’s in our DNA.

The slightest smell of another dog in our territory and we have to mark it with our own smell. This called “leg lifting” and it’s very common practice among all dogs.

A warning to leg lifting dogs – never leg lift on an electric fence and never leg lift on your owner. You’ll regret it.

JET’S GUIDE TO CONSPIRACIES 2

JET’S GUIDE TO CONSPIRACIES

FOOD

The local diner sometimes has these GM foods in stock. Here’s a look at their menu:

Burgers

Carroteen & GM Seeweed
GM Fish Fins and plucked Eyeball
Fish scales and nitrateoxide
Label bashing mash
Slimmers Slime

Desserts

Marshmarsupial pudding
Chocolate Mouse
Blue bottle-oxide
Berry Rodent Risotto
Reconstituted Smoothie

FASHION

What is fashion? Fashion is whatever you want it to be. But try telling that to the label bashers who must have the “brand” of the moment.

Fashion retailers and designers have a close relationship. This relationship revolves around sales, sales, sales.

Have you ever looked at something in a shop window and thought urgh I’d never wear that! But a few weeks later when everyone else is wearing it you can’t get yourself one fast enough? They’ve got you! That’s how they do it!

Suddenly everyone around town is looking the same. Same pink sweater, designer jeans, and designer boots.

Their marketing campaigns are well thought out and even the most disgusting clothes seem to make their way onto the shelves.

Personally I like to wear whatever I like. I don’t want the funkiest outfit of the moment. I want to make my own clothes that are “out there” “different” and something I’ve created myself. I don’t want to be told by some shop and an advert that I “need to have it”.

Last week I bought the ugliest pair of jeans you could imagine. I cut a few holes in them, sewed on some blue beads and jems and suddenly they’re something no one else has!

Remember that next time you’re out shopping – you don’t have to conform and you certainly don’t have to be part of the retailers conspiracy…

JET’S GUIDE TO CONSPIRACIES 1

JET’S GUIDE TO CONSPIRACIES

“Hi, I’m Jet Marigold. I know the world is one big conspiracy. There’s so much evidence!

Here is some of what I’ve found out…

HOUSEHOLD ITEMS AND DIVORCE

You may have heard me talk about this before. Household manufacturers have one of the biggest conspiracies in the world. Everyone needs household stuff and what better way to sell twice as much merchandise than to get everyone to divorce! That way the spouse who doesn’t end up with that particular item has to go and buy it again. Simple!

But how do they do it?

Couples are always arguing over the smallest things in life. “why didn’t you change the toilet roll?!” “I told you to get that last week!” “The bloody toaster is on the blink, can you fix it?”.

Manufacturers have made small adjustments to their electrical items – adjustments you’d never know about. Most of the time they work great but sometimes they just won’t work at all. This can become terribly irritating. She says it doesn’t work, he says it does – it’s an automatic argument maker!!

These household items are trouble I tell you! Live in a tent in the middle of nowhere and you might just stand a chance.

FOOD

You wouldn’t think food would have it’s downsides would you? Well let me tell you that food is just another ploy to get us all fat and crazy. The more you enjoy food, the more you’re going to eat it. The fancy labels and the “fat free” tags – yeah right! It’s the fresh food you need to look out for especially fruit and vegetables. The other day I ate an apple and all hell broke loose – I couldn’t think rationally, I went beserk! There’s funny things in natural food that reek havoc with your bodily system. It’s all those vitamins, minerals, and carbohydrates that do it.

What I’ve found out is that if you eat only Genetically Modified food then you get to control exactly what is going into your body and you’re not relying on old Mother Nature – who has no idea how to cook anyway.

One of my favourite GM foods is polycarbobarbituatenitrate- it’s fantastic! Drink it down for breakfast and you won’t need anything until you go to bed.

At bed time you need to up your oxi levels so I tend to eat a pastachemotherapay. A great way to stay thin and to keep away from that nasty fresh fruit and stuff.

GILES’ GUIDE TO MOVING 2

GILES’ GUIDE TO MOVING

MOVING IN

When you finally arrive at your new house you have to unpack. This can be quite fun. Deciding where in your room your bed should go. Where you should hide your most secretive stuff and to search the house for little cubby holes that no one else knows about.

Don’t forget to search the back yard for it could be a jungle out there.

Then of course you meet the neighbours. Sometimes they’re good sometimes they’re bad. You find yourself spying on them. There’s something fascinating about neighbours. You get a close up look at someone else life but from a distance. But be careful, they could be aliens and they could be spying on you as well.

EXPLORING TOWN

A new town is great to explore. Finding out where all the shops are and marking out your favourites. But for me Sunset Cove was out of this world. As Grampa said as we drove into town “This place is weird!!”

He couldnn’t have been more right and I wasn’t sure what must have been going through my mother’s mind when she decided to turn our lives upside down and move here!

Mum fitted in right away. She bought us surf boards, changed her clothes and suddenly thought she was a sex symbol and just another “babe” from Sunset Cove.

Mum has always been a little whacky and she was definitely in her element. There were people dancing in the street, kids with huge ears, secret service men sneaking about and lots of people with bright coloured hair and weird ideas. Not to mention that everyone was good looking and had great tans as well!

STARTING SCHOOL

Starting at a new school is totally nerve racking for any kid. You want to fit in, you want to make friends, you want to do well.

You start off being shy and taking everything in. Who are the bad crowd and who are the goody goods? There’s got to be someone in this school that is your type of person. It can take a while…

In Sunset Cove you’re lucky if you find someone that’s even slightly normal. My first day was as whacky as they come. I was introduced to a girl called Sophie. We were just talking and going to our next class when flowerpots started falling and circling me! She later told me she had a poltergeist. Geesh! Anyway we did end up being pretty good friends and she even wanted to marry me!

Beanie was someone else I met on my first day. He didn’t freak me out nearly as much as he should have. He’s quite a harmless guy who’s just a little confused. Which is understandable seeing as he’s an alien and basically has no idea where he comes from.

Some friendly advice – discourage your mother from working at your school! There’s nothing more embarassing than having your parents at school everyday.

SETTLING IN

It can take weeks to settle in to a new town. But after a few weeks you’ll have made some great new friends and be living a whole new life.

Just keep an eye on those neighbours though – you never know who they really are…

GILES’ GUIDE TO MOVING 1

GILES’ GUIDE TO MOVING

“Hi, I’m Giles and recently my family and I moved to a new town called Sunset Cove. It’s been an experience and here’s my guide to moving.

PACKING

Everyone when moving hates packing. But it’s a great chance to throw out all that junk that you’ve accumulated over the years. All the rotten apple cores under your bed, the fluffy pink g-strings you stole off your neighbour, your old love letters and anything else that you might not want seen when it’s unpacked at the other end.

Sometimes I just go wild and chuck away everything – it saves a lot of time.

When packing remember anything that’s old, fragile or breakable should be marked with a “fragile” sticker. We used lots of these on the box we packed my Grampa in. He’s getting old now and we have to take precautions.

He loves getting into his box and being packed in with all the foam balls or scrunched newspapers. He say’s he feels like a present especially when he’s unwrapped at the other end.

TRAVELLING

Some people don’t move very far. We had a neighbour once who bought the house two doors down from her. 10 paces and she was at her new house! That’s hardly moving if you ask me.

But some familes move miles away – even countries away!

When we moved to Sunset Cove it was only about 550 miles from our last town of Townsville. So after we’d packed up all our personal belongings and the moving company had taken all our boxes, we chucked Grampa on the roof and headed out.

I wasn’t looking forward to it. Mum had insisted that Sunset Cove was like Paradise and that it would be good for my complexion to see some sunshine. But a beach is no place for a geek.

To pass the time in the car I read a book I’d picked up at our last stop “100 reasons why not to live in Sunset Cove”. Feeling this was a little pessimistic I decided to play eye spy with Grampa. The problem with playing this game with Grampa is that he’s inside a box and there’s very little in there to “spy” – so after 10 minutes of guessing what might be inside his box I gave up.