Atlantis High Official, Author at

OCTAVIA’S GUIDE TO THE SECRET SERVICE 1

OCTAVIA’S GUIDE TO THE SECRET SERVICE

Hello, my name is Octavia Vermont and I’m a Secret Service Agent (Don’t tell anyone). Here’s my Secret Service Guide to being a Secret Service Agent.

Protection

Everyone needs protection because there are some pretty nasty people in the world. The Sunset Cove Secret Service are situated in Sunset Cove because it’s a place of high activity. People are flocking to Sunset Cove all year round just to catch the sunshine. All sorts of dodgy people pass through and the Secret Service have to protect the young citizens of Sunset Cove.

The Secret Service also protect the Mayor of Sunset Cove. She’s a very high profile woman and her engagements around the city are kept very secret.

Our Mission Statement

“To investigate and protect every living being in the Sunset Cove area from aliens, sea life, neanderthals, critters, ugly people etc. If any term, provision, covenant, or condition of this agreement is held by a court of competent jurisdiction to be invalid, or unenforceable, the rest of the agreement shall become null and void and we shall be in no way affected, impaired or invalidated and the citizens could die”.

Undercover Operations

Many undercover operations are simultaneously underway at any one time. All operations are taken seriously.

All undercover operations start with Who, What, Where and When. These officers are highly trained and their identities are kept secret. They decide what the threat is, who the threat is from, where the threat might appear and when it might happen. Who has been known in Sunset Cove for years and last year was award the Purple Square for services to the city.

The latest threat that came by Sunset Cove was a brass band. They snuck into town and started parading down the street making a racket! The Secret Service were on to them in a flash and they all disappeared quietly and unsuspiciously as brass bands should do. Protecting the city from tarnishing it’s reputation is number one of the Secret Service’s priorities. Sunset Cove is known for it’s very good looking people, it’s winning smile and it’s all year round sun.

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO CLEANING 2

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO CLEANING

SWEEP UNDER THE STAIRS

The most neglected part of a house is the cupboard under the stairs and I think that this is because most people think that there are monsters under there.
Which of course is true.

But the monsters and I have a good relationship and we often have a good gossip over a cup of Earl Grey as I show them my dance of a thousand dusters. They’re a really nice bunch and they wish that more people would just give them the credit that they’re due.

Another part of the home that gets neglected is the area behind the bed where dust gathers and spiders build their webs. They like to do this so that they can listen to snores. You see, a little known fact is that spiders make their webs faster when they can hear the sonic boom of snores.

Top Ten Cleaners of the World

Dorothy Gordon
Mrs. Mop
Captain Clean
Madame Polished
Don the Janitor
Beanie Weanie and his Magical Cloth of Steel
Don the Don in the John
McArthur the Magician
Clarabelle the Polish Polisher
Hells Bikers

COSTUMES FOR CLEANING

I like to wear my normal jeans and a T-shirt but one time I got to wear a French maids outfit and I quite liked that – although I did put a hole in the parquet with my stiletto heel.

Other cleaners wear boiler suits and great big clompy boots and I have even seen one cleaner (who moonlights as a singing telegram) wearing a tutu as she cleaned out the toilets in the public conveniences down Ginnety Ave.

Whatever you decide to wear, wear it with pride and be prepared for having to wash your outfit at least once a fortnight because the germs from the toilet bowl can really make your social life fall apart.

Always wear rubber gloves and carry a can of air freshener with you. I have been told that the monsters under the stairs like the smell.

Oh, and don’t forget to check under the bed, you never know what you might find – I found a stash of cash once and had a good old knees up at the community hall.
Happy Cleaning!

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO CLEANING 1

DOROTHY’S GUIDE TO CLEANING

Dorothy’s Guide to Cleaning
“I am Dorothy and I am a cleaner. ‘Nuff said.”

GLEAM CLEAN

I have tried a lot of cleaning products in my time and people often ask me what I use to make the wood shine in the Vermont’s home. I find that chicken fat works really well and if you rub it in hard enough you can’t even smell it – unless the sun is shining (which it often does in Sunset Cove) and then you just tell people that you have been roasting a chicken. This can have it’s downside though because then the said person who noticed the smell will want to stay for dinner and then you actually do have to create a roast dinner with all the trimmings.

WHERE TO START
I always start at the top of the house so that the dust can work its way downstairs and then I can trap it easily. I chase it with a net and sweep millions of the little dust particles up in one swell swoop. I then sell the dust mites to Don who makes pillows out of them – he always likes to sneeze when he sleeps. He says it gives him good dreams.

It is really important to tie your hair up as you clean so that you don’t miss anything. I once had a long fringe hanging in my eyes and I managed to miss an important stain on the bathroom floor, which was bad news for Commander Vermont who slipped on it and broke his medal.

Five ways to use a duster

Wave it around your head like a helicopter blade
Wear it like a mask and pretend to be Zorro
Put it behind your ear and use it like headphones
Pretend it’s a cigar and that you are the father of a new baby
Use it as a false arm and scare the neighbours when they call around.

I also like to carry a duster around with me because I like to tickle my armpits whenever I get tired. A feather duster is best, not the new acrylic ones – they don’t tend to give as good a tickle as feathers.

A vacuum cleaner is an important part of a cleaners equipment and even though I’m not sure how to use mine I carry it with me, strapped to my back so that I look important and kind of like that lady in the Alien movies. I creep round the corner and aim my nozzle at the mirror- KBAM! One time Commander Vermont got all excited because he thought that I had actually seen an alien and he spent the rest of the month staking out the attic in case the slimy green beasts showed themselves again.

JOSH’S GUIDE TO POOL PARTIES 2

JOSH’S GUIDE TO POOL PARTIES

Number 4 – Create the right atmosphere
I like to make it like I am in a grotto and I make sure that there are lots of twinkling lights in the trees and torches along the side of the path so that people can always see my good looks.

I make sure that there is just the right amount of fluffy towels on the loungers and that there is some good food around that won’t make crumbs in the pool. Things like toffee apples are always good ‘cause if they fall in then you can just play bob for apples. Bob doesn’t always like to swim round clearing up the sticky apples but that’s the only reason he’s invited.

Number 5 – The right kind of music for a party
Forget the Beach Boys – we’re not on the beach now. I hire a DJ and get him to spin tunes like the Chicken Dance and AgADooDooDoo. Another great song for a pool party is Bat out of Hell.

Number 6 – Games
When everyone has arrived and you are ready to start the party always play the game of Find the flip-flop. This is the most fun game ever invented ‘cause everyone forgets that they are wearing flip-flops and they take hours to try and find one which gives me just enough time to nip back upstairs and make sure that I look groovy for all the babes.

Another great game that I have never seen at another pool party is to grab the nerdiest guy there and throw him into the pool. I don’t know why that has never caught on.

So if you follow my 6-point plan you will have yourself a fantastic party. But hey, I forgot the most important thing – you have to invite me or your party will never be a success.

JOSH’S GUIDE TO POOL PARTIES 1

JOSH’S GUIDE TO POOL PARTIES

“Everyone knows my family has the biggest pool in Sunset Cove and we have had more than our fair share of parties. Here are some of the Montana family secrets to throwing the pool party of your lifetime.”

Number 1 – Make sure that you have a pool
This is so good it’s bad. I went to a pool party one time and the poor deluded girl didn’t even have a pool. She thought that she could just buy one of those blow up plastic kiddy pools and that would do. It was okay for a while but the water wasn’t heated and by the time I had done a lap I had chilled my toes so badly that I had to sit on a hot water bottle for three and a half days.

There were a lot of people there and several got crushed and badly bruised when a diving competition was held.

The girl is now in therapy (and traction) and is not expected to make a full recovery. Still, she managed to get a doctor to fall in love with her and he is now going to build her an Olympic sized pool so that she can have a real party.

Number 2 – Invite the right people
I always think long and hard before I get Jeeves to write the invites to one of my pool parties. There have got to be the right number of babes there who know how to fill a swimsuit and I never ever invite any geeks to my parties. They would just make me want to vomit into the pool if they showed their knobbly knees in their underdaks and that would sure spoil the fun.

Coach Shane is a sure bet for coming along to the party. He can do the best synchronized swimming I have ever seen and that always gives me the chance to watch the babes join in and I love it when they wear those little pegs on their noses. It reminds me of my nanny when she used to change my diapers.

Number 3 – The Pool
Of course my family have the best pool in the world for pool parties. It’s really classy. It is big and heart shaped with a diamante mosaic at the bottom of our family portrait. All around the pool are pink tiles that glow fluorescent in the dark and the pool itself is always at least 30 degrees warm.

We have a waterfall the size of Niagara at the end of the pool and there are so many blow up fish floats in the pool that some people think they have walked into an aquarium.

We make sure that the pool is skimmed every day by Sven the Skimmer and it looks so clean that you can’t help but dive right in off the championship diving board.

There are mirrored tiles all around the edge of the pool so that whether you are out of the water or under the water you can see yourself and check out your form.